BLACK AND WHITE AND RED ALL OVER

Black and White and Red All Over
Cast: 6 female, 6 male
Genre: Dark comedy/ absurd comedy

A frivolous couple passes the time by hiring and firing servants, and reading old newspapers they deem to be the current. But when the Wife wants more out of her life, she charges her Husband with a perilous task. Meanwhile, four eclectic strangers wind up secretly waiting together in this couple's bathroom. When they discover the reasons they have all been put together, the absurdities and danger of their situation become alarmingly clear.

EXCERPT

Excerpt starts at the beginning of the play, then moves to Act I, scene 2.

At rise: A living room. HUSBAND, wearing a black and white suit, and WIFE, wearing a black and white dress, are seated in arm chairs. Each chair has a large pile of newspapers beside it and the couples read in unison. The room is covered in red balloons and other party decorations. The clock rings at random intervals. MADELEINE enters with more papers and piles them on the others. She exits.

WIFE
Did you hear that Reagan was elected president?

HUSBAND
I figured as much. Someone had to fill JFK's spot after he was assassinated.

WIFE
But has he lowered taxis? That is the real question the public wishes to know.

HUSBAND
Taxis? What are taxis?

WIFE
I thought everyone knew what taxis were.

HUSBAND
Do you?

WIFE
Not exactly, but it seems to be such an issue these days. "To lower taxis." It's a popular expression. I'm not sure what the infinitive is in French, but I read articles on that word all the time in the paper.

HUSBAND
Well, let's ask Madeleine. Madeleine! Madeleine! She went to college.

WIFE
What a smart husband I have!

(MADELEINE enters)

MADELEINE
You were calling my name, sir?

HUSBAND
Yes, Madeleine, now tell me, what is all this hubbub regarding taxis these days?

MADELEINE
What do you mean?

WIFE
The taxis.

MADELEINE
Yeah, but what "hubbub" are you talking about?

HUSBAND
Don't be didactic, Madeleine. Just answer the question.

MADELEINE
Do you mean like how dangerous they are?

WIFE
Dangerous?

MADELEINE
Yeah, it's gotta be like one of the most dangerous jobs. Drivers get shot and mugged and stuff all the time.

WIFE
Oh, goodness, darling! Send her away!

HUSBAND
You may leave now, Madeleine.

MADELEINE
Is that what you were—

HUSBAND
You may leave!

MADELEINE
Fine.
(she exits)

WIFE
Shot and mugged! Such vulgar words in our house! It's really unthinkable, darling!

HUSBAND
At least we understand why the public wishes taxis to be lowered.

WIFE
Well, yes, that much is certain. But did you notice how long it took Madeleine to comprehend our inquiry?

HUSBAND
Mm yes. For a graduate of college, she does seem rather dull sometimes.

WIFE
She's throwing away her future, that much is certain. How many years has she been with us now?

HUSBAND
At least a twelfth.

WIFE
Perhaps you should fire her.

HUSBAND
But I do like Madeleine, love. She has such a pretty name for a maid.

WIFE
Now, darling, we must stop being selfish and think of poor Madeleine. Her time here is certainly a waste on her part.

HUSBAND
Are we really that selfless to think of her interests over our own?

WIFE
Of course we are, don't be ridiculous. It's for her own sake.

HUSBAND
For her own sake…But what reason shall I give her?

WIFE
Tell her it's because of the taxis!

HUSBAND
The taxis?

WIFE
Of course! The taxis!!

HUSBAND
The taxis, yes, of course. The taxis! That's a splendid idea! The taxis!

WIFE
Who would've imagined they would come in so handy! Oh, how much fun this will be! Call her in here, darling! Call her in!

HUSBAND
Madeleine! Madeleine!

(MADELEINE enters.)

MADELEINE
Did you want me to get some more decorations for your son's birthday party?

HUSBAND
That's really not necessary…on account of your being fired.

MADELEINE
My being fired?

HUSBAND
Yes, I'm firing you.

MADELEINE
Because I asked about the birthday party?

HUSBAND
Nooo…

MADELEINE
Well, whatever. Fine.

HUSBAND
Aren't you going to ask me why, Madeleine? Ask me why I'm firing you.

(Both HUSBAND and WIFE giggle)

MADELEINE
Why are you firing me.

HUSBAND
Because of—because of—

WIFE
(still laughing)
It's due to—


HUSBAND
The taxis!

MADELEINE
The what?

WIFE
The taxis, the taxis! He's firing your because of the taxis!

MADELEINE
Taxis?

HUSBAND
Yes!

MADELEINE
You're firing me because of the taxis. What, are they striking or something?

WIFE
Striking?

HUSBAND
What a novel idea! Yes! Yes, the taxis are striking!

MADELEINE
Well, whatever. Send my last check in the mail.
(she exits)

HUSBAND
Striking…My goodness, love, Madeleine certainly was a lot of fun.

WIFE
She seemed to take the news very well.

HUSBAND
Yes, I'm glad she added the "striking" bit. That girl does have a sense of humor after all.

WIFE
I hope she's all right out there, darling.
(glancing at paper)
It says here that a young man was murdered by his own girlfriend right in his own home.

HUSBAND
What was he doing at home is what I'd like to know.

WIFE
I'm not quite sure. It doesn't exactly say. It's more of an advertisement than an actual article.

HUSBAND
Well, then I won't believe it until I know why he was at home. You never can tell what's truth these days. False propaganda all over the media now, on account of the war, of course.

WIFE
Quelle dommage. It's a crying shame, it really is. What a sad state our country is in.
(pause)
What country are we again? That always seems to slip my mind. The Republic?

HUSBAND
The Official States, I believe.

WIFE
I thought it was The Republic.

HUSBAND
Oh, perhaps you're right. One never can tell these days.

WIFE
Madeleine would know. Ask her.

HUSBAND
Brilliant idea. She went to college. Madeleine! Madeleine!

WIFE
(she examines her face in a balloon)
Do you think my face is showing any age? I asked Madeleine to invite a woman to host a makeup party here.

HUSBAND
Your face never shows age, love.

(Enters a different maid, CAITLIN)

CAITLIN
Sir?

HUSBAND
Yes, Madeleine--

CAITLIN
My name is Caitlin.

HUSBAND
Aren't you our maid?

CAITLIN
Yes.

HUSBAND
Well then you must be Madeleine.

CAITLIN
You fired Madeleine two weeks ago. We've already had this conversation, sir. Please call me Caitlin.

HUSBAND
I will call you by your proper Christian name, Madeleine, and I should think you would respect that! Scoff not at thy birthname!

WIFE
He's a real stickler to logistics, dear.

HUSBAND
Why, thank you, love.

CAITLIN
What did you want?

HUSBAND
Here's a little test of your knowledge, Madeleine.

CAITLIN
Caitlin.

HUSBAND
Madeleine! Very well, then, are we in The Republic or The Official States?

CAITLIN
What?

WIFE
I believe it's The Republic, but my husband is leaning toward The Official States.

HUSBAND
Now, I didn't say that, love. I said I merely believed it was The Official States. I'm leaning toward neither one. Which is it, Madeleine?

CAITLIN
Do you mean America?

HUSBAND
America?

CAITLIN
The United States of America? Is that what you're talking about?

HUSBAND
Ah, it is The Official States then! I was right!

CAITLIN
No, it's The United States, not The Official States.

WIFE
You're a trifle argumentative today, Madeleine. He's not meaning to insult your intelligence. I'm the one who was wrong anyway. I must have read about The Republic somewhere.

HUSBAND
Well, we used to be The Republic. Before Abe Lincoln changed it to The Official States, just like Madeleine said.

CAITLIN
I don't know what you're talking about. Did you want something?

HUSBAND
I already asked you my question, Madeleine. You may go now.

(CAITLIN exits)

WIFE
What a philosophical girl. She really ought to learn French.

HUSBAND
I wish I knew something I could do that would aid and support this so-called country of ours.

WIFE
Perhaps you could take up hunting.

HUSBAND
Hunting?

WIFE
Why not?

HUSBAND
But I don't own any guns.

WIFE
You could use a knife.

HUSBAND
I could! Do we have any knives?

WIFE
I'm sure there's a butter knife in the kitchen. Why don't you ask Madeleine?

HUSBAND
Madeleine! Madeleine! I'm such an uncommonly lucky husband to have such a brilliant wife!

WIFE
I can read and write too.


(Continued excerpt, from the middle of Act I, Scene 2)

(A bathroom. YOUNG MAN sits in the bathtub, carving into the tub. HENRY holds an unlit cigarette. GEORGIA enters. She is dressed rather stylishly for a time, but not our time. Her dress is very outdated, perhaps one from 18th or 19th century England. She carries a makeup bag.)

GEORGIA
Someone's always smoking.

HENRY
It's not even lit.

GEORGIA
Why don't you take it outside?

HENRY
Because it's not lit. It can't be bothering you if it's not lit.

GEORGIA
Well, you couldn't be smoking it if it weren't creating smoke, now could you?

HENRY
That's just it! I'm not smoking it!

GEORGIA
I don't know if I can work with someone who smokes.

YOUNG MAN
(to GEORGIA)
Do you have anything sharper than this pocket knife?

HENRY
Hey! You found my knife!

GEORGIA
I do have a metal nail file, but I can't give you my word that it's sharper than that knife.

YOUNG MAN
Here, let's trade.

HENRY
You can't do that! That's my pocket knife! I lent it to you!

YOUNG MAN
You never lent me a knife, Henry. I found this one under the bath mat.

HENRY
But it's mine! It has the can opener on it and everything!

GEORGIA
You needn't be impolite about the whole matter. You may take the knife if you wish.

HENRY
But it's not yours to give! It's mine!

GEORGIA
What a boorish man!
(opens bathroom window)
Let's get some fresh air in here.

YOUNG MAN
I agree. Y'know, second hand smoke is the number one killer in the U.S.

GEORGIA
Is that so?

HENRY
I thought automobile accidents was the number one killer. Or maybe cancer or heart disease, but definitely not second hand smoke.

YOUNG MAN
Wrong again, sport. Recent studies show second hand smoke kills somewhere in the fifteen billions.

HENRY
That's impossible!

GEORGIA
Fifteen billions, you say…

HENRY
There aren't even fifteen billion people in the whole world! He's making this up.

YOUNG MAN
I'm not, camper. It's a fact. Statistics don't lie. I hate to say it, but my argument does sound a little more plausible than your maybe "automobile accidents" or maybe "cancer" or maybe "heart disease." At least I have facts to back me up.

GEORGIA
Well, I just think it's perfectly insolent to cause others to suffer for a filthy habit that you have acquired.

HENRY
I'm not being insolent! It's not lit!

GEORGIA
I find your insistence upon raising useless and irrelevant facts in order to sway your argument morally appalling.

HENRY
Fine! I'll throw out my unlit, unused cigarette. Will that make you happy?
(flushes it down toilet)
There! Better?

YOUNG MAN
A little.

GEORGIA
My hair still smells. The damage is already done. He doesn't even apologize. Pity.
(she moves to the mirror, begins putting on make-up)
I own three children, you know. Well, actually four, or perhaps it's five now. At any rate, one of them brought home a computer disk last Tuesday.

HENRY
I hope I don't have to wait too much longer. Excuse me, miss—

GEORGIA
My name is Georgia, spelled G-E-O-R-G-I-A.

HENRY
Okay…and I’m Henry—

YOUNG MAN
I'm working on my name still.

HENRY
Georgia, would you mind if I asked you a personal question?

GEORGIA
What kind of a come-on line is that?

HENRY
I'm not trying to come on to you, Georgia.

GEORGIA
Oh, so now that you know my name, you're going to use it in every sentence, are you?

HENRY
Alright, alright. I won't ask you a personal question.

GEORGIA
I've already disclosed more personal information than you were able to handle. I told you I own several children, and I made the grave mistake of allowing you access to my personal name. Had I known you were one to abuse such privileges…

HENRY
I was just going to ask—

YOUNG MAN
I'll tell you about Henry's personal life, Georgia.

GEORGIA
If you wish.

YOUNG MAN
I saw his wife at the Plaza just yesterday.

GEORGIA
Did you?

HENRY
I'm not married.

YOUNG MAN
Impossible, trooper. I told you, I saw your wife yesterday.

HENRY
I think I should know.

YOUNG MAN
(to GEORGIA)
I saw her with another man. I think they're having marital problems.

GEORGIA
Pity.

YOUNG MAN
In any case, Henry, she looked pretty happy. That should make you feel better. I saw them dancing together--the rumba, I think.

GEORGIA
The rumba, you say…

HENRY
I'm not married.

YOUNG MAN
I think she was wearing that red, white and black dress you got her last week.

HENRY
I think I should know.

GEORGIA
What did the man look like with whom she was seen?

HENRY
I'm not married.

YOUNG MAN
He was wearing a red, white and black suit, probably to match her red, white and black dress.

GEORGIA
That's rather strange, because I was at the Plaza last night in a red, white and black dress, dancing the rumba with a man in a red, white and black suit, probably to match my red, white and black dress.

YOUNG MAN
That is rather strange, because now that I think about it, I was also at the plaza last night, dancing the rumba with a woman in a red, white and black dress, while wearing a red, white and black suit, probably to match her red, white and black dress.
(to HENRY)
Pardon me, chief. Perhaps you're not married.

HENRY
I think I should know.

(Enters JOANNA through bathroom window. She is a young lively woman in her mid twenties, innocent, naive, eager, and cheerful. She is out of breath, her green clothes, perhaps camouflage, are torn a little. She is carrying a black bag.)

JOANNA
That was a close—Oh—hello…I hadn't realized this was such an open invitation.

YOUNG MAN
Oh, is this your bathroom, Angel?

JOANNA
No, no, it's not. I just wasn't expecting so many people…I thought…

GEORGIA
Wherefore are your clothes so disheveled?

YOUNG MAN
"Wherefore?"

JOANNA
Oh, that's why I'm late actually. I had a quick job to take care of before—

HENRY
What's your line of business?

JOANNA
That's a funny thing for you to ask me.

HENRY
Funny?

YOUNG MAN
Now that I think about it, it is kind of funny, sport. Especially how you asked it: "What's your line of—a”

HENRY
Yes, yes, regardless of the apparent humor…what is your job?

JOANNA
Well, I'm in the same kind of business you all are in.

GEORGIA
I made that assertion the moment you walked in; you're a little more obvious than these two.

JOANNA
Obvious?

HENRY
You're not dressed very formally, considering we are on the job.

GEORGIA
(slaps HENRY)
What a horrid thing to say, Henry!

HENRY
I was just pointing out that—

GEORGIA
Now don't you worry, dear. Henry just likes to criticize.

HENRY
I wasn't criticizing. I was merely noticing—

GEORGIA
Apologize now, Henry.

HENRY
For what?

YOUNG MAN
I do think you hurt her feelings, chief.

GEORGIA
Henry…

HENRY
They better not keep us waiting too much longer.

GEORGIA
Their maid directed us here.

JOANNA
Their maid knows we're here? She doesn't care?

GEORGIA
She's a very understanding girl. Now, Henry, apologize. I believe she is starting to cry.

JOANNA
(not crying at all)
I guess I do have a few tears streaming down my cheek.

HENRY
Sorry.

GEORGIA
There now.

HENRY
(taking out a cigarette)
This is ridiculous.

JOANNA
Oh, can I have a cigarette too?

(Pause.)

YOUNG MAN
I hope you're proud of yourself, Henry.

HENRY
What?

YOUNG MAN
(to JOANNA)
Were you smoking before you came in here?

JOANNA
No.

YOUNG MAN
And you didn't want to smoke until Henry here pulled out his pack of cigarettes, did you?

JOANNA
Come to think of it, that is about when I wanted to smoke.

GEORGIA
Pity.

YOUNG MAN
I'm sorry to say you're corrupting our youth, slugger.

HENRY
You cannot blame me for her desire to smoke.

GEORGIA
They never take responsibility.

YOUNG MAN
She wasn't smoking before she came in here.

HENRY
Maybe not the exact minute before she came in here, but I'm sure this wouldn't be her first cigarette.

YOUNG MAN
You seem to be evading the issue, colonel.

HENRY
Oh, come on! I didn't smoke in front of her!

YOUNG MAN
You were going to though.

HENRY
I wasn't going to smoke it! Let's not have this argument again.

GEORGIA
They never wish to confront the issue.

YOUNG MAN
Don't see it as an argument, sport. We're just trying to help you see the damage you're doing.

GEORGIA
They never see the damage themselves.

HENRY
(to GEORGIA)
Would you stop speaking like I'm not here!
(to YOUNG MAN)
Look, I won't smoke in the bathroom! I won't even hold a cigarette in my hand in the bathroom!
(to JOANNA)
And if you want a cigarette you can go out and buy one yourself! But I am not taking responsibility for her actions! I can't believe I have to work with you people!
(storms out the bathroom window)

(There is a long pause after he leaves, while the three sit in silence, almost motionless.)

JOANNA
Wanna play charades?