If you didn't get enough AI commentary from me in my recent post about writing for our beloved bots, check out the next phase of iPhone drama in my comedic monologue below:
ESTELLE, a woman in her late teens-40s, has just made it to a restaurant to meet Dan, a man she is dating. She is one hour late to their dinner, and implores him to understand this is not her fault and no reflection of how much she likes him. It’s all just because of, well, you know...that store where everything's so white...
I know I’m late again, and you’re a, you’re a saint to wait an hour for me, but, listen, really, I didn’t know we were meeting at 6. I thought—remember yesterday, you said 7? And, I know, I know, I know, you’re not gonna believe me, but, I never got the update you sent to my calendar. I thought we were still meeting at 7. And—listen to me, I know this has happened before, and you think, you think I’m some sort of flake or, maybe I get off by making you wait, but I don’t. I don’t! I…
Dan…I really like you.
I like…how you make fun of my penguin socks, and how I sometimes have to look up words you use in your emails. I like how you take me to vegan restaurants when I know you love steak. And, how you’ll listen to cool music with me and pretend to dance even though I know you want to listen to old-man jazz. And…I like how you look at me, and take your glasses off, because your eyes make me feel warm…and safe… like we’re sitting by a fireplace with a blanket around us and maybe drinking hot chocolate…and…you make me feel so happy my stomach’s always nervous around you.
And…I think, see, I think that’s the problem.
I haven’t felt this way before. Not since I’ve had him. And…he knows it. You’re gonna think I’m a little crazy, but the facts are the facts, Dan. I get updates and calendar invites and emails and texts—I get them all from my girl friends. From my mom, and my cousin. I’ve never had a single issue with theirs. But yours…this happens too often. I don’t get your updates or your messages. I didn’t want to tell you before, but the transcription of your voicemail yesterday said you thought I was boring and as ugly as a millipede, but when I listened to the actual message, you were really just saying you loved ice skating with me last week and that I looked pretty in my butterfly scarf! Siri changed the whole message! Maybe it’s my fault for downloading the Australian accent, or maybe I shouldn’t have changed his voice to a man’s, but, the thing is, I did, and this is who he is now. And, before you, I mean, he was the one who told me I looked good for a human and “mahvelous,” and said I was a 42 on a scale of 1 to 10—and, I mean, Dan…that makes a girl feel good. And, I think—I think he likes that. He likes being the one to make me laugh, to comfort me. Did you know Siri’s aluminosilicate glass surface is tear resistant? I didn’t either until he told me! He’s so thoughtful…
So…please…don’t be offended if I’m late or don’t get all your messages. Be patient with me. With us. Because—when I ask him if he’s jealous and he just says, “No comment”…I know he’s feeling hurt. He really does want me to be happy though, Dan. It’s just going to take him some time to adjust…Maybe the next iOS update.