Cast: 5 female, 2 male
Genre: Absurd Comedy/ Dark Comedy

As the owner of a high-end dog grooming salon, Tootsie takes great pride in presenting an upstanding establishment. Yet when Mr. Boland’'s dog is murdered on site, it stirs up ill feelings and suspicion amongst the staff and clients. Through the commotion, however, Mr. Boland discovers a rare connection with an awkward dog groomer, Stacy, who thinks he may give meaning to her past.

EXCERPT

Excerpt starts in the middle of Act II.

(A dog grooming salon.)


MRS. HILTON
Tootsie, I saw the policeman leave? May I come in?

TOOTSIE
We’re in the middle of—

MRS. HILTON
Oh, good. I only wanted to point out that my darling little Gabriella’s toe pads have begun to wrinkle. I know you know what you’re doing, but I’m slightly concerned—what with all the excitement and all.

TOOTSIE
I understand your concern, Mrs. Hilton, and we’ll be with you shortly. Mr. Boland has just lost his dog and needs a bit of our attention right now. Please be patient.

MRS. HILTON
It’s only I’ve been waiting for almost—

TOOTSIE
I haven’t seen your order form yet, Mrs. Hilton. How can we do our part when you haven’t done yours?
(pushes her out the door)
I am so sorry for that, Mr. Boland. I know you don’t need any more—

BOLAND
If anyone did it, she did it.

TOOTSIE
Excuse me, Mr. Boland?

BOLAND
Mrs. Hilton. She killed my dog. I know it. I can feel it.

ESTELLE
Why would that old hag want to kill your dog? I doubt she even has the finger power to pull a trigger.

BOLAND
She threatened me already. She said she’d get back at me because Shooshoo was courting her dog.

TOOTSIE
Oooooh. Well, there we have it then.

STACY
What are you going to do?

BOLAND
I don’t know.

STACY
Maybe she’ll buy you a new one.

TOOTSIE
That is quite unfortunate, Mr. Boland. I do apologize that she killed your dog in our fine grooming facility establishment.

ESTELLE
I still say Stacy did it.

TOOTSIE
Do you want me to charge her double the price, Mr. Boland? I’d do that for you.

BOLAND
No, I just—

ESTELLE
Don’t even think about touching my butt again, pervert. If that’s what you want, you can forget it because it ain’t gonna happen. No way.

BOLAND
No, that’s not what I—

TOOTSIE
Mr. Boland, I think you need to look through our brochure. We have some fine funeral assortments for “just dead” pups and full-growns. A lot of owners like to dress their dogs with a tie.

BOLAND
That won’t be necessary, Tootsie. I really don’t—

TOOTSIE
Oh, Mr. Boland. Don’t be so hasty to decide. Let me show you our special bereavement addition.

BOLAND
No, I—

ESTELLE
I said, it ain’t gonna happen, perv. Don’t even think about it.

BOLAND
I’m not. I’m—

TOOTSIE
Here we go.
(hands him brochure)

BOLAND
But I—

STACY
Let him speak!
(pause)
Why don’t you just let him say what he wants to for once instead of always interrupting and yelling at him?

TOOTSIE
Why, I wasn’t yelling at him.

ESTELLE
I was, and you know what? I don’t care. I’ll yell at him again if he starts undressing me in his mind again.

BOLAND
I—

STACY
Estelle, would you give him a rest? Whether he abandoned me as a baby or not, his dog was just murdered, so you should be nicer to him. He’s very sensitive right now.

ESTELLE
Oh, well, maybe you should have thought about his feelings before you killed the pesky little thing.

(MRS. HILTON opens the door and peeks in again.)

MRS. HILTON
Not to be a bother bee, but I have another appointment at 3, and I’m starting to worry we won't be done here in time.

ESTELLE
Jenny has a phone out there. Call up and cancel.

MRS. HILTON
Oh, yes, I suppose I could, but it’s just that—

TOOTSIE
Of course, of course, Mrs. Hilton. Why don’t you step inside all the way for a moment? We need to talk with you anyway.

MRS. HILTON
Oh, good. I hope that you’re giving me a discount for all this waiting. Perhaps ‘on the house?’

TOOTSIE
I’m afraid not. I’m afraid I have to double the fee on account of your murdering Mr. Boland’s dog and all.

BOLAND
That’s not what I asked for.

MRS. HILTON
Murder?

TOOTSIE
Yes. Now, don’t get up—unless of course, you’re ready to go back into the waiting room quietly.

MRS. HILTON
I don’t understand where this is coming from.

ESTELLE
I don’t think she killed the dog. Stacy did.

MRS. HILTON
Yes, that’s right. Stacy did!

TOOTSIE
Now, now, Mrs. Hilton. We already know you did it. Mr. Boland told us all about your threat to kill.

BOLAND
She didn’t say that exactly.

TOOTSIE
(To MRS. HILTON)
If you’d like to speak on your behalf, you may, otherwise, we really need to start wrapping this up.

MRS. HILTON
I agree with Estelle. I vote for Stacy.

STACY
We’re not voting.

TOOTSIE
No, maybe we should. We’ll make this quick and then end this nuisance of a day. What are the nominations?

ESTELLE
Stacy.

STACY
Estelle.

BOLAND
Mrs. Hilton.

TOOTSIE
Is that all? Very well then. Who votes for Stacy?

STACY
Wait a minute. Shouldn’t we do a secret ballot?

ESTELLE
Why? Are you scared of me?

STACY
Please, stop being so mean

(ESTELLE pushes her.)

ESTELLE
Let’s just vote.

TOOTSIE
I think we should do it secretly. I’ll just use this paper.
(picks up a sheet and tears it into pieces)

MRS. HILTON
Let's just use people's initials. Just the first initial actually. I don't want to write out the whole name.

TOOTSIE
But there are two "M"s—you, Mrs. Hilton and Mr. Boland.

ESTELLE
We can write out the whole name. Don't listen to that old biddy.

STACY
I just want to express that I do have my doubts about this process. I’ve never been too fond of the government. What's going to happen to the person we elect?

TOOTSIE
Let's cross that bridge when we come to it.
(hands out the pieces of paper along with pencils)

BOLAND
My lead is broken.

STACY
You can use mine.

ESTELLE
Oh, no you don't. Don't fall for that one, Mr. Boland. Your vote just won't count. You broke the lead, you can't vote.

TOOTSIE
Here is another pencil, Mr. Boland. Don't mind Estelle. She's just being a sour puss.

ESTELLE
The only reason I'm not walking out of here right now is because I want to see Stacy burn! You're going down, Stacy. You're going down!
(STACY sticks her tongue out at ESTELLE. ESTELLE grabs STACY's shirt collar and pulls her close)
Don't mess with me, Stacy. You don't know what you're doing.
(she lets her go)

STACY
I took Capeoira.

MRS. HILTON
I don't think their arguing is good for your business, Tootsie. It's really rather unpleasant.

TOOTSIE
I do apologize, Mrs. Hilton. Girls! Enough! Stacy, sit there. Estelle, sit over there. Do I need to give you another dog-grooming etiquette lecture? Then you two leave each other alone and vote in silence. Is everyone ready? Very well then. You may vote now, then fold up your paper and place it—um, place it right here in this mug.

ESTELLE
But that still has coffee in it.

TOOTSIE
Only a drop, Estelle. Let's not hold up the process any longer. Place your votes in this mug. Ready? Vote.

(They all vote and place their ballot in the mug, except for MR. BOLAND. He continues to hold the paper on his lap, pencil poised.)

ESTELLE
Are you done already?

BOLAND
Hm? What? Are you talking to me?

ESTELLE
Yeah, you've been sitting there for ten minutes and the rest of us were done like a year ago.

STACY
You can take your time, Mr. Boland.

TOOTSIE
Maybe he needs help with something.

STACY
Is that true? Do you need help with who it is?

BOLAND
No, no. I've got it, thank you.
(He writes something)
Alright, I'm finished.

ESTELLE
Thank the Lord!

(MR. BOLAND puts the paper in the mug.)

TOOTSIE
Everyone please be seated. Alright, let's be respectful of whoever is chosen as the murderer. Agreed? Now, then. We have one for Mrs. Hilton, two for Estelle, one for Stacy, and looks like maybe another for Stacy. It’s hard to read though.

ESTELLE
Let me see that!
(snatches it out of TOOTSIE’s hand)
It’s definitely Stacy!

TOOTSIE
Now, Estelle, remember our chat about being respectful. There appears to be some coffee on the ballot. I’m not sure we can count this vote.

STACY
Maybe you should just throw it out then. Looks like Estelle killed the dog.

ESTELLE
No way! You can’t throw that out! That’s not fair!

STACY
Well, that’s what the votes say. We can’t change it now.

ESTELLE
I demand a recount!

TOOTSIE
Now, Estelle.

BOLAND
Won’t that take too long?

ESTELLE
It’ll take less than a minute, sicko. Let’s do a recount. Let me see the ballots.

STACY
Wait! You can’t let her count them! She’ll cheat!

TOOTSIE
Girls! We haven’t even decided if we shall do a recount.

ESTELLE
The people’s voice needs to be heard.

STACY
The people’s voice already was heard.

TOOTSIE
How do you feel about it, Mrs. Hilton?

MRS. HILTON
Oh, well, you know. I go with the majority.

TOOTSIE
I see. Mr. Boland, what do you think? It is your dog’s murderer we’re voting for.

BOLAND
Yes, as long as it won’t take too long.

TOOTSIE
Very well. We’ll afford you the recount, Estelle.

ESTELLE
Yes! You’re going down, Stacy!

STACY
Well, then I object to the recount!

ESTELLE
You can’t object to that.
(pushes STACY out of the way and hovers by TOOTSIE.)

TOOTSIE
I’ll just put them all in the coffee mug again, shake them around a bit…and recount the ballots. Estelle, you need to give me some space.
(ESTELLE backs up slightly. TOOTSIE pulls papers out of mug).
Oh, dear. Now they all have coffee stains on them. I think I can manage though. Here we have one for Mrs. Hilton, one for Estelle, one for Stacy, and, oh, my—looks like two for Mr. Boland!

BOLAND
How's that?

ESTELLE
He wasn’t on there before.

STACY
He wasn't even nominated. How can he be it?

TOOTSIE
I'm just telling you like it is. If you request a recount, Mr. Boland, we'd afford you that, on account of your not being a nomination and all.

BOLAND
I guess I was a write-in.