“Purple Banana Nose”
male or female monologue
dramatic

(Young mentally retarded man, covers head in hands and shakes head)
Not s’posed to tell! Not s’posed to tell!
(uncovers head, looks up)
I tell but not use names. Okay? That’s what Jimm—that’s what my best friend tell me to do. No names. ‘Cause we’re best friends. My friends always save the cherry one for me. They good friends. ‘Cause I useta play by myself, but now they play games wi’ me. My friend teach me S-s-s-sah-li-taire. Put black on red. Black on red. Black-on-red. Blackonred. (pause)

Why I gotta tell you ‘bout the game we play? It our game! My game wi’ my friends! (pause)
We gonna play Muppets, he tell me. You be Gonzo! He tell me. GONZO! (pause)
Gonzo got a purple banana nose. I like Gonzo. They tell me be Gonzo ‘cause Gonzo weird and stupid. Like me. (laughing) They funny. My friends. (pause)

We gonna do Muppet Caper. My friend Pe—my friend, he play Kermit. And one play Piggy—but he’s a boy, not a girl. (laughs) He’s a boy, not a girl. (laughs) Boy-not-girl. Boynotgirl. (laughs) They all silly. (laughs) (pause)

I don’t wanna tell you no more. You’re not laughing. You don’t think my friends funny. (laughing) They make me laugh. (stops laughing) But you make me cry. Why you look like you so mad? Wanna go home. Don’t wanna stay here. You look so mad. Don’t wanna talk. (pause)

Muppet Caper. They go inside, they play. Gonzo stays outside and watches. Gonzo watches for the police. When police come, Gonzo go inside and yell, “Over the rainbow! Over the rainbow!” Then Gonzo stay there. Till muppets grab him and pull him away—to safety! (claps) Then muppets go back to J—my best friend’s house and eat poptarts—I get cherry with sprinkles—and cocoa. (laughs) That s’posed to be Muppet Caper! Muppet Caper! Muppet Caper! (pause)

But when police come and Gonzo go inside, no muppets there. And it look bad inside. Gonzo look and look. “Beaker! Fonzy! KERMIT!” (pause)

I forgot to say rainbow. (pause)

They gone. (pause)

But you there. With your gun. (laughs) But you didn’t wear blue hat then. I like your blue hat. And you take me here and make me talk to you and tell you my game. Wi’ my friends. (pause)

They be here soon. They tell you. They tell you our game. I didn’t take nothing. I didn’t hurt no one. I play game—Muppet Caper. I’m Gonzo! Purple-banana-nose. “Over the rainbow, Miss Piggy! Over the rainbow!”