Excerpt starts in Scene 3.

(Sitting Room: 20th Century, New York. MARY and her husband, JAMES WATTS are sitting together on the sofa in virtual silence. WATTS is nervously shaking his leg.)

WATTS
It could've been worse.

MARY
It could've been worse?

WATTS
It could've been worse.

MARY
How could it have been worse, James?

WATTS
Well, many couples live together for years in unhappiness. It's really quite sad.

MARY
Oh, and our marriage has been filled with bliss? So I should be thankful that you left me.

WATTS
I didn't leave you. I was—

MARY
Sleeping. I know. You told me.

WATTS
Mary, what would you like from me? I told you I was sorry.

MARY
Are you really sorry you left me?

WATTS
How can I be sorry I left you if I never intended to leave you? I'm merely sorry that you don't seem to understand.

MARY
Look, I don't care that you left me, James. We only knew each other four days.

WATTS
So you're not mad anymore?

MARY
I'm still mad—I'm just not mad you left me. Women's husbands leave them every day. I think the statistic is that for every minute seven thousand men in America leave their wives.

WATTS
That can't be true.

MARY
I understand that men leave their wives. I have no problem with that—really, I don't.

WATTS
You always were a sensible girl.

MARY
My problem is your excuse.

WATTS
I grew tired. I had to sleep. Haven't I explained this enough?

MARY
It’s embarrassing is all.

WATTS
I didn’t do it on purpose.

MARY
If you’d left me to move to Peru or join a cult, or even if you ran away with a famous stripper—at least then I could tell the ladies something. But sleeping? How can I face the ladies with that excuse?

WATTS
I can't change the truth, Mary. What am I supposed to do?

MARY
You’re supposed to come up with something better than “sleeping!” I’m not going to look bad on your account. So think up a better excuse and tell that to my friends.

WATTS
But I was sleeping, Mary, that's my only excuse.

MARY
This is impossible talking with you.

WATTS
May I come back tonight?

MARY
No.

WATTS
Mary, you're my wife.

MARY
That doesn't mean you have a right to see me. You're my husband and I haven't seen you for five years and you don't see me making a fuss about it.

WATTS
That’s not fair—you know I was sleeping! I—

MARY
Fine! You can come back for dinner! Just stop talking about sleeping!

WATTS
I'll stop by around six then, okay?

MARY
Fine! Just—please, go!

WATTS
Alright then, I'll be here for dinner. Your mom said she was making lasagna for me.
(he exits)

(MARY looks out the window. The time changes to the 18th Century where Austen's MRS. STANHOPE, SOPHY, and GEORGIANA enter hurriedly.)

GEORGIANA
We heard a noise. Has he arrived yet?

MARY
No, thank goodness.

(All take a seat and pick up their sewing, except for MARY who remains near the window.)

MRS. STANHOPE
Now, Mary, you ought not to speak so of your suitor.

MARY
He's hardly a suitor, Mama. Would you believe it, Sophy, the old fool wants to have his new chaise just the colour of the old one, and hung as low too. But it shan't--I will carry my point. And if he won't let it be as high as the Duttons, and blue spotted with silver, I won't have him. Yes I will too. Oh, Mama! Why must my first proposals be from him?

MRS. STANHOPE
Considering the small size of your dowry, Mary, you really ought to be grateful someone of his stature has proposed to you at all.

MARY
But I do hate him so!

GEORGIANA
Is it difficult, Mary, to consider living your entire life with a man whom you hate?

MARY
I do not intend to live my entire life with him, Georgiana. I intend to spend all my time in Bath or in town or taking some tour. He will accompany me to these places, to be sure, but I do not wish to spend much, and certainly not all, of my life with him.

SOPHY
But you're vowing to marry him.

MARY
I shall not be convinced by your negativity, Sophy. I know you both desire to have him yourself, but I shan't let you. He has proposed to me and I shall accept. But he is such an oaf! How I loathe to look at his face!

SOPHY
Then how shall you be happy?

MRS. STANHOPE
You all are aware that your dowries are very small. You cannot expect to choose from the eligible, agreeable, handsome, young men. Therefore when a man does propose to you, his offer must be weighed with great thought. A man like Mr. Watts may never come into our lives again. One must sometimes compromise a bit of oneself for security. The question of marital happiness is really not an issue, Sophia.

GEORGIANA
Well, I shan't compromise for anyone, Mama.

MRS. STANHOPE
Perhaps you feel this way now, child, but when you have passed your bloom and remain unmarried and penniless, you may think otherwise.

GEORGIANA
Well, perhaps I may then, but for now, I shan't be forced into anything.

MRS. STANHOPE
You may not always have a choice.

GEORGIANA
I shall always have a choice, Mama.

MRS. STANHOPE
Yes, dear, you have the choice to accept or refuse a proposal.

GEORGIANA
And once I am married, I will have no power of choice.

MRS. STANHOPE
Yet if you remain unmarried and poor, you shall have no power of choice either.

SOPHY
Then is this the only time we have any power to choose at all, Mama?

GEORGIANA
If I were a man, I would have every kind of power all my life.

MARY
Well, I could still deny you if you were a man.

GEORGIANA
(throwing down her sewing, then in a mock deep voice)
A woman—deny me?! Prepare my carriage! Send a message to the magistrate! Reserve my box for the theatre!
(kneeling before Mary)
Oh, and Mary, will you marry me?

MARY
No!

GEORGIANA
Very well. Then purchase a new pair of horses! Prepare the house for a ball! Oh, and by the bye, Sophia, angel, will you marry me?

SOPHY
Um…Never!

GEORGIANA
Well then, spend my money! Do as I say! Order what I want! Oh, and dear, Mrs. Stanhope, would you marry me?

(pause)

MRS. STANHOPE
I believe I hear a carriage outside, Georgiana. Please sit down and compose yourself.

(The girls’ giggles die down. MARY walks to the window)

GEORGIANA
Oh, Mama, you're so serious about the matter.

MARY
It's him. Here he comes. I know he'll be rude. I know he'll be ill tempered and won't say one civil thing to me nor behave at all like a lover.

(MR. WATTS enters.)

MR. WATTS
Ladies, your most obedient.
(he bows)
Fine weather, ladies.
(he turns to MARY)
Well, Miss Stanhope, I hope you have at last settled the matter in your own mind, and will be so good as to let me know whether you will condescend to marry me or not.

MARY
I think, sir, you might have asked in a genteeler way than that. I do not know whether I shall have you if you behave so odd.

MRS. STANHOPE
Mary!

MARY
Well, Mama, if he will be so cross…

MRS. STANHOPE
Hush, hush, Mary, you shall not be rude to Mr. Watts.

MR. WATTS
Pray, Madam, do not lay any restraint on Miss Stanhope by obliging her to be civil. If she does not accept my hand, I can offer it elsewhere.

MARY
Well then, I will have you if I must.

MR. WATTS
I should have thought, Miss Stanhope, that when such settlements are offered as I have offered to you, there can be no great violence done to the inclinations in accepting them.

MARY
(under her breath)
What's the use of a great jointure if men live forever?
(louder)
Remember the pinmoney—two hundred a year.

MR. WATTS
A hundred and seventy-five, Madam.

MRS. STANHOPE
Two hundred indeed, sir.

MARY
And remember I am to have a new carriage hung as high as the Duttons' and blue spotted with silver. And I shall expect a new saddle horse, a suit of fine lace, and an infinite number of the most valuable jewels. Diamonds such as never were seen! And pearls, rubies, emeralds and beads out of number. You must set up your phaeton which must be cream coloured with a wreath of silver flowers round it. You must buy four of the finest Bays in the kingdom and you must drive me in it every day. This is not all. You must entirely new furnish your house after my taste. You must hire two more footmen to attend me, two women to wait on me, must always do just as I please and make a very good husband.

(pause)

MRS. STANHOPE
This is all very reasonable, Mr. Watts, for my daughter to expect.

MR. WATTS
And it is very reasonable, Mrs. Stanhope, that your daughter should be disappointed.

MARY
You must build me an elegant greenhouse and stock it with plants. You must let me spend every Winter in Bath, every Spring in town, every Summer in taking some tour, and every Autumn at a watering place, and if we are at home the rest of the year, you must do nothing but give balls and masquerades. You must build a room on purpose and a theatre to act plays in. The first play we have shall be Which is the Man, and I will do Lady Bell Bloomer.

MR. WATTS
And pray, Miss Stanhope, what am I to expect from you in return for all this?

MARY
Expect? Why you may expect to have me pleased.

MR. WATTS
It would be odd if I did not. Your expectations, madam, are too high for me, and I must apply to Miss Sophy who perhaps may not have raised hers so much.

(MRS. STANHOPE pulls MARY aside and speaks to her quietly.)

SOPHY
You are mistaken, sir, in supposing so. For though they may not be exactly in the same line, my expectations are as high as my sister's. I expect my husband to be good tempered and cheerful, to consult my happiness in all his actions and to love me with constancy and sincerity.

MR. WATTS
These are very odd ideas truly, young lady. You had better discard them before you marry, or you will be obliged to do it afterwards. Then Miss Georgiana—

(MARY and MRS. STANHOPE turn back around)

MARY
You are mistaken, Mr. Watts, if you think I was in earnest when I said I expected so much. However, I must have a new chaise.

MRS. STANHOPE
Yes, sir, you must allow that Mary has a right to expect that.

MR. WATTS
Mrs. Stanhope, I mean and have always meant to have a new one on my
marriage. But it shall be the colour of my present one.

MRS. STANHOPE
I think, Mr. Watts, you should pay my girl the compliment of consulting her taste on such matters.

MR. WATTS
I think that I should not pay your girl the compliment of consulting her taste on such matters when her taste is clearly in disagreement with mine. Were her taste for a chocolate coloured chaise, I should consult her immediately.

MARY
Oh!!!

MRS. STANHOPE
It is not an unreasonable request, Mr. Watts.

MR. WATTS
I believe I have made myself clear on the issue, madam.

MARY
It shall be blue with silver spots and hung as high as the Duttons'!

MR. WATTS
I'm afraid it shan't, madam. It shall be chocolate coloured and hung as low as my current chaise.

MARY
It shall not be so or I will never ride in it!

MR. WATTS
Then you shall never go anywhere.

MARY
You are impossible!

MR. WATTS
I should like my wife to stay home anyway.

MARY
This is not fair! Mama!

SOPHY
Perhaps it could be dark brown as Mr. Watts suggests—

MARY
Sophy, no!

MR. WATTS
A reasonable girl.

SOPHY
And hung rather high with a silver border, as Mary would like.

MARY
Perhaps…

MR. WATTS
I don't know…

MRS. STANHOPE
It's a compromise. Please, Mr. Watts.

MR. WATTS
Very well, then.
(there are signs of happiness from the girls)
Now, about the marriage license—

MARY
We shall have a special license to be sure.

MR. WATTS
Banns.

MARY
We must have a special license!

MR. WATTS
If you think, Miss Stanhope, that I shall—

MRS. STANHOPE
Let us discuss the rest of the issues after dinner. Please, let us eat first.

MR. WATTS
Very well. But you shan't have the greenhouse, phaeton or theatre, Miss Stanhope.