Okay, parents of young children, Halloween is quickly approaching…You’re going to make, buy, rent or borrow your child’s halloween costume, you’re going to traipse around town in the dark, carefully monitoring your child so s/he doesn’t get lost in the shuffle of dressed-up children mobs. You’re going to tend to sugar-high meltdowns, freak-outs when that one zealously decorated house goes a bit too far (successfully) trying to frighten your child, and you will carry that bag of loot when you’re child gets tired. You’re going to check all that candy to make sure the wrappers aren’t open already and there are no allergens present. And you’re going to fight to get them to bed at a reasonable hour, because it’s a school night after all. I mean, really. It’s a lot of work, right? So… Isn’t it okay to skim a little off the top for all that effort? Don’t you deserve some chocolatey indulgence to ease you out of the stress of trick-or-treating?
Well, now you can check out one dad’s defense of, apology for, and negotiation due to eating his son’s halloween candy. Enjoy this free comedic monologue for a male actor, age 20s-50s, with a running time of approximately 1.5 to 2 minutes. And if you’re looking for a child’s perspective to the scenario, check out this comedic children’s halloween monologue, My Missing Skittles.
A Dad’s Defense
A new comedic monologue
By Tara Meddaugh
Description: Doug is standing by the kitchen pantry, in the middle of the night, Skittles’ wrapper in hand. He’s just been caught by his son, Sal, eating Sal’s Halloween candy. Doug at first makes no apology. He’s never pretended to be perfect after all. But as he sees how upset his son is, Doug apologizes and works out a deal to satisfy both parties.
I’m just—um…wait a minute. Uh… I’m not stalling. I’m just—you caught me off guard. It’s late. It’s, what, midnight? Mom’s in bed. You should be in bed too. You have school tomorrow. I thought you were—I mean, you were in bed. So. You startled me. That’s why I’m a little jumpy. It’s not because I was doing anything wrong. It’s just, you startled me. (pause) Okay (pause) Okay, Sal. I know you saw me eat your Skittles. Let’s just put that on the table. I’m not gonna lie. I ate them. Okay? I think I ate a few Kit Kats too. And Junior Mints. You don’t like peppermint anyway. Sal, you don’t need to cry about this. You shouldn’t be that surprised—I’ve never pretended to be perfect, unlike Mom, and I’m sorry to break it to you, but Mom goes over the speed limit too. (pause) Look, I’m sorry. I should have asked you. Even though I did get out of work early to trick-or-treat with you, and walked a couple miles, so I kind of did as much work getting that candy as you did. But—I’m still sorry. How about…uh…what’s it worth? A couple dollars? I’ll give you a couple dollars, Sal? No? That’s not what you want. (pause) Okay. I get it. I know what you want… END OF EXCERPT
Click for the entire free pdf of the monologue, "A Dad’s Defense.”