Cast FEMALE (male)
Age range: 13-30 years old
Description: After murdering her friend’s ferret, Jyoti, wrought with guilt, tries to make some form of amends.


I know you think I murdered your ferret, but—hey, stop crying.  You’re gonna make me cry too.  And you (starts crying)—know—happens—when—we—both—start—oh!  I’m doing it too now…(gaining composure) Okay.  Okay.  What would Xena do?

Julia, your ferret ran away.  He did.  I know you don’t want to believe me, but I know this, because…well, I saw him.  And I was wearing my glasses, so I had 20/20.  Or 20/30.  I need a new prescription.  But I could still see it was Foozu, and he was wearing the yellow rain slicker, not the winter coat you tie dyed for him, so I think he was headed for Seattle. 
And, I don’t think we should go after him, Julia.  That Payless box wasn’t big enough; you always forgot to feed him, and when you did, it was usually just pebbles and sticks—and I really don’t think ferrets can live on that.  Seattle has a lot more to offer Foozu.  Food, drinks, warm shelter, intellectual stimulation, perpetual contentment.  He deserves that, don’t you think?

I, I know coming in and seeing me with the knife over Foozu’s box makes it look rather strange.  But…Well…CLICK FOR THE COMPLETE FERRET ENVY MONOLOGUE.