Tara's comedic monologues range in actor age from 5 years old to mature adult.   Actors may usually use these monologues for auditions, showcases, competitions etc (most of the monologues free of charge), but must seek permission first by contacting Tara.


A Donut Daydream, monologue Genre: COMEDY, Cast FEMALE, Setting: LIBRARY
A Klingon in Love monologue Genre: COMEDY, Cast MALE, Setting: STAR TREK CONVENTION
A Waste of a Totally Good Jelly Bean, monologue. Genre: COMEDY/CHILDREN'S/TEEN, Cast: MALE/FEMALE, Setting: A KITCHEN
Baby Ants in a Pie monologue Genre: COMEDY, Cast FEMALE (Male), Setting: KITCHEN/DINING ROOM
Begging Blitzen, monologue. Genre: COMEDY/CHILDREN'S/TEEN, Cast: FEMALE/MALE, Setting: A HOUSE
Christmas Superpowers, monologue. Genre: COMEDY/CHILDREN'S/TEEN, Cast: MALE/FEMALE, Setting: A MALL
Disappointing Hell, monologue or Disappointing Hell, the play Genre: DARK COMEDY, Cast: MALE/FEMALE Setting: HELL
Ferret Envy, monologue or Ferret Envy, the play Genre: DARK COMEDY, Cast FEMALE (male), Setting: APARTMENT
Forgiveness and Defeat at a Pokemon Gym Genre: COMEDY/TEEN/CHILDREN, cast MALE (female), Setting: A PARKING LOT
Ipad Fury, monologue Genre: COMEDY/CHILDREN'S/TEEN, Cast MALE/FEMALE, Setting: A MINIVAN
Locking the Store, monologue Genre: DARK COMEDY/DRAMA, Cast: MALE, Setting: GIFT SHOP
March in Line, monologue Genre: DARK COMEDY, Cast: FEMALE/MALE, Setting: BEDROOM
Mary's Expectations, monologue Genre: COMEDIC, Cast: FEMALE, Setting: 18TH CENTURY HOME
Mr. Swimmie, monologue Genre: COMEDY/CHILDREN'S Cast: FEMALE/MALE Setting: A HOME
Plastic and Fuel, monologue Genre: COMEDY Cast: MALE Setting: OUTSIDE BY A CAR CRASH
Santa's Lousy Job, monologue Genre: COMEDY/CHILDREN'S, Cast: FEMALE, Setting: STORE
Secret Santa, monologue Genre: COMEDY (DRAMA), Cast: MALE, Setting: AN OFFICE
Shepherd Superheroes monologue Genre: COMEDY/CHILDREN'S, Cast: MALE/FEMALE, Setting: A CHURCH
Single Crutch, monologue Genre: COMEDIC, Cast, MALE, Setting: OUTSIDE A HOUSE
Skunk Moms, a trio of monologues Genre: COMEDY/CHILDREN'S Cast: FEMALE (MALE) Setting: A HOME
The Beanstalk, monologue Genre: COMEDIC/DRAMATIC, Cast: MALE, Setting: A GIANT BEANSTALK
The Best Marriage Advice, monologue Genre: COMEDY/ABSURD Cast: FEMALE (MALE) Setting: A BATHROOM
The Bus Stop, monologue Genre: DRAMA/COMEDY Cast: MALE (FEMALE), MATURE ADULT Setting: BUS STOP
The Dog Toenail, monologue Genre: DARK COMEDY, Cast: MALE (female), Setting: A CAN FACTORY
The Mud Puddle, monologue Genre: COMEDY/CHILDREN'S Cast: FEMALE (MALE) Setting: OUTSIDE, NEAR A MUD PUDDLE
The Plum-Colored Sweater, monologue Genre: COMEDIC/DRAMATIC, Cast: FEMALE, Setting: A CLOTHING STORE
The Standoff, monologue or The Standoff, the play Genre: COMEDY Cast: MALE (FEMALE) Setting: SIDEWALK BY HOUSE
Tinsel for Christmas, monologue Genre: DARK COMEDY Cast: MALE Setting: HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM


A DONUT DAYDREAM
Genre: COMEDY
Cast FEMALE
Setting: LIBRARY
Age Range: 15-18 years old
Running time: approximately 2.5 minutes long (varies depending on performance)
Description: Lulu is a girl of about 17 years old.  It is about a month before her high school prom.  She is at the library, trying to study with her friend.

LULU

I’m dreaming of a donut. I’m that hungry. Like, literally, day dreaming about tasting one. Biting into one. I’m not sure which one I’d choose…Maybe the kind with chocolate icing on the outside and that creamy filling.  What are those called? Cream puffs? Not that but…they’re so good.  So rich.  I like that feeling of a little kind of explosion as my teeth hit the pastry.  And the filling just spills out into my mouth.  Or maybe I’d go for a glazed donut.  They’re simple. But we all know they’re the best, right?  The melted sugar.  The glaze.  That slight hint of a yeasty dough. I like to feel the glaze melt on my tongue.  Turn from icing into liquid.  You know you can really taste the sugar, so intense, right on the front of your tongue?  I really should be studying. I know that.  I have my books right here. But when you’re hungry…you know…it’s all you can think about.   I guess this is how those kids in Africa feel.  Those poor kids.  You know it’s my mom that made me skip lunch. She thinks...CLICK BELOW FOR THE COMPLETE MONOLOGUE OF "A DONUT DAYDREAM"

A Donut Daydream monologue
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A KLINGON IN LOVE
Genre: COMEDY, Star Trek / Trekkie / sci-fi monologue
Cast: MALE (female)
Setting:  A STAR TREK CONVENTION
Age Range: teen to 60s

Description: ARLEN is dressed up as a Klingon, head to toe, at a Star Trek Convention. He speaks to Trish, a woman who is wearing a Star Fleet officer uniform 

ARLEN

I know it seems crazy that a Klingon would fall for a star fleet commander, but…crazier things have happened on the Enterprise, right?  We’re not talking DS9 or Voyager here. We’re talking Gene Roddenberry, old school, Jim and Picard.  You remember Kirk and the green alien? Data searching for human emotions?  You know what I’m saying.  You get it.  Who cares if our blood’s different colors?  Who cares what the rest of them think.  We’re in love.  I wanna…I wanna tell Mr. Sulu selling $50 pictures over there—tell him about how you switched your phaser from Kill to Stun when you saw me. I wanna interrupt Dr. Crusher’s speech to tell the world how your hair smelled like apples when you leaned down to fix my mask. I wanna kiss you in a pile of tribbles for the whole convention to see!  We’re different—I know, I know.  You’re a communications officer...CLICK FOR ENTIRE A KLINGON IN LOVE MONOLOGUE


A WASTE OF A TOTALLY GOOD JELLY BEAN
Genre: COMEDY/CHILDREN'S/TEEN
Cast: MALE/FEMALE
Setting: A kitchen
Age range: 5-15 years old
Run time: approximately 1 minute

Description: STEVEN, a boy (ages 5-15) speaks to his dad. Steven has just shared his Easter jelly beans with his dad who has gobbled up a handful of them all at once. Steven implores his dad to eat the jelly beans the “right” way.

____________________

STEVEN

There is a wrong way. There's really a wrong way and you're doing it, Dad! You're doing it so wrong wrong wrong wrong! You're totally wasting them! You know how hard it was for me to get those? I mean, I waited all year...since last Easter. And—I—I—I don't mind sharing with you. Really. I like it when I can give you something that I really like and you like it too. But—this—this is just wrong, Dad. When someone gives you 20 jelly beans, and they're all different flavors like popcorn and chocolate pudding and blueberry, you don't just—you don't just shove them all in your mouth at once! Then you don't taste anything and it's just this giant blob of like, I don't know, sugary melted plastic or something. You gotta...-END OF EXCERPT. Click below for the complete monologue of "A Waste of a Totally Good Jelly Bean."


BABY ANTS IN A PIE
Genre: COMEDY
Cast FEMALE (male)
Setting: KITCHEN
Age Range: 10-60 years old
Running time: approximately 1.5-2 minutes long (varies depending on performance)
Description: ROBIN is in the kitchen with her friend, Gabe.  She offers him some of the apple pie that has been sitting in the window sill for a week now, as she has been savoring it. As she gets it out, she notices something unusual.)

ROBIN

There are ants in the—oh, gross—oh, gross—there are ants in the pie! Ew ew ew! Squish them--quick!  Wait--is that a queen in it? Is that possible?  It looks like it has wings. That would mean, I guess, that would mean they must have their nest there, or their hill or farm, whatever it’s called…They must have made the pie their home. And…I already ate a piece—and I don’t even know if I regret it yet because it was really amazing apple pie, but that also means…I probably ate some…ants…and maybe some…baby ants…if the queen just hatched them.  Are baby ants like worms? Or just tiny looking ants?  Oh, I really don’t know anything about ants.  But I do know that I do not want to eat them, and I definitely don’t want to eat a baby ant. I mean…look, ants are gross. Really, just all bugs are gross.  Except maybe…butterflies—but otherwise, yuck, right?  But a baby…I mean, a baby can’t help it if it was born in an apple pie. A baby is…END OF EXCERPT.  Click below for the complete monologue of "Baby Ants in a Pie"-

Baby Ants in a Pie Monologue
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If you'd like to use this monologue, contact Tara for permission.


BEGGING BLITZEN
From the one-act comedy, Christmas Superpowers and Believing in Blitzen
Genre: COMEDY/CHILDREN
Cast: FEMALE (MALE)
Setting: A LIVING ROOM WITH WINDOW
Age range: 5-12
Description: ANNIE, a girl of 5-10 years old, speaks to Blitzen, one of Santa’s reindeer who has been visiting her in the afternoons. She is in her living room speaking to him through the window as he stands outside.

____________________

ANNIE

Hey…you’re magical, right?  Like, you don’t have wings, I know that. But I know you fly. I’ve seen you on Christmas Eve.  Plus, I think I saw you practicing your route on Thanksgiving night—right before we met. And, you talk, which has got to be magical because I keep talking to Bilbo—you know, my golden retriever—and he never talks back. Most of the time, I don’t think he even understands me except when I said “go for a walk.”
(pause)
I know you have hooves, not fingers and hands, but...CLICK FOR COMPLETE monologue Begging Blitzen.
For the entire play, Christmas Superpowers and Believing in Blitzen, from which this monologue comes, check it out on amazon, or "my store" (use coupon code
H7USHF86 for 15% at "my store")


CHRISTMAS SUPERPOWERS
from the one-act comedy, Christmas Superpowers and Believing in Blitzen
Genre: COMEDY/CHILDREN'S
Cast: MALE (female)
Setting: A mall
Age range: 5-10 years old
Running time: Approximately 1 minute
Description: 
DYLAN, a boy of 5-10 years old, sits on Santa’s lap. He’s at a mall.

____________________

DYLAN

I really don’t think it’s too much to ask. I’ve done everything you told me to in your letter last year. I’ve stopped hitting my little brother. I don’t complain—very much—when I have to do homework. I even donated seven toys to Goodwill yesterday ‘cause Mom said I didn’t have enough room for anything more. So I’m ready, Santa. I’m only asking you for one thing this year. And you can try to steer me away from it all you want by telling me about how you made a new truck this year and how I can do hundreds of things with a big set of blocks and how there are some funny books out there you know I’ll like. But it won’t stop me from asking for it. It’s why I’ve been so good this year and why I know you’re going to listen to me.  So I’ll tell you again. (leans it) I want a...END OF EXCERPT. Click below for the complete monologue of "Christmas Superpowers."

For the complete play, Christmas Superpowers and Believing in Blitzen, from which this monologue comes, click here to purchase on amazon or to purchase through "My Store" (for 15% off at "my store," use discount code: H7USHF86.)


DISAPPOINTING HELL
Genre: DARK COMEDY
Cast: MALE/FEMALE
Setting: HELL
Age range: 20-60
Description: VAN, a man in his 20s-30s, stands in a line of people in a kind of waiting room of Hell.   He is uncomfortable, almost annoyed to be where he is.  He speaks to the other people in his line.

____________________

VAN

You know, I wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t seen my soul tonight.  I didn’t know it was my soul at first, but when it started talking to me, when it started telling me how I was scared of being hit by invisible cars, how I was only happy listening to Simon and Garfunkle…well, it sounded so much like me.  So I go to it.  I go to it and ask it, if it could tell me one thing, just one thing about itself, about me, what would it tell me.  So it hesitates at first, you know, like it can’t decide what delicious secret to tell me.  Then it sighs, as much as a soul can.  It sighs and sort of hiccups a little.  Like maybe it’s overexcited.  Or drunk or something.  So when it’s done making these sounds, it stares at me with its transparent eyes, and it says, in this tiny voice—the voice a fawn might have, or a baby lamb.  And it says, “If you live through today, you’ll get fired tomorrow.  And when you get another job, you’ll get fired from that.  And when you find someone you love, that person will leave you.  And when you die, no one will care.”
     (pause)
So what do you say?  What do you say when your own soul tells you you’re a failure?  And it looks pretty happy about that too.  Almost giddy...  CLICK FOR COMPLETE DISAPPOINTING HELL MONOLOGUE.


FERRET ENVY
Genre: DARK COMEDY
Cast FEMALE (male)
Setting: APARTMENT
Age range: 13-30 years old
Description: After murdering her friend’s ferret, Jyoti, wrought with guilt, tries to make some form of amends.

JYOTI

I know you think I murdered your ferret, but—hey, stop crying.  You’re gonna make me cry too.  And you (starts crying)—know—happens—when—we—both—start—oh!  I’m doing it too now…(gaining composure) Okay.  Okay.  What would Xena do?
     (pause)

Julia, your ferret ran away.  He did.  I know you don’t want to believe me, but I know this, because…well, I saw him.  And I was wearing my glasses, so I had 20/20.  Or 20/30.  I need a new prescription.  But I could still see it was Foozu, and he was wearing the yellow rain slicker, not the winter coat you tie dyed for him, so I think he was headed for Seattle. 
     (pause)
And, I don’t think we should go after him, Julia.  That Payless box wasn’t big enough; you always forgot to feed him, and when you did, it was usually just pebbles and sticks—and I really don’t think ferrets can live on that.  Seattle has a lot more to offer Foozu.  Food, drinks, warm shelter, intellectual stimulation, perpetual contentment.  He deserves that, don’t you think?
     (pause)

I, I know coming in and seeing me with the knife over Foozu’s box makes it look rather strange.  But…Well…CLICK FOR COMPLETE FERRET ENVY MONOLOGUE.


FORGIVENESS AND DEFEAT AT A POKEMON GYM
Genre: COMEDY/TEEN/CHILDREN'S
Cast: MALE (female)
Setting: In a parking lot of a grocery store. Late at night.
Age range: 12-20 years old
Description:
Benjamin, a boy of around 16 years old, is at a Stop and Shop grocery store parking lot, around midnight. He is speaking with his long time friend (and probably crush), Evie, who is quite angry with him.  Unknowingly, he has defeated the pokemon gym belonging to her team, and now he needs to prove he would never battle with her on purpose...but is it too late?

 _____________________

BENJAMIN

I know you’re mad—I just saw your post of that face with the flames coming out of its head, and I’m just—aw, Evie, I know it looks bad.  I know you won’t believe me, but listen, it’s not, it’s just, it’s not what it looks like. (pause) How was I supposed to know it was you?  You’re a—you’re a girl with really long hair, but your avatar looks kind of like a boy with short hair.   Which is fine, but I mean, right there, that should show you I’m innocent.  And—I never would have thought you’d choose yellow.  Your favorite color is blue—it’s always been blue…like your eyes…And look at your bike, Evie—it’s blue too.  It still has those butterfly decals you put on when you were nine.  I put on the lightning bolts (pause) I know there isn’t much I can do now....END OF EXCERPT. Click below for the complete monologue of "Forgiveness and Defeat at a Pokemon Gym."


IPAD FURY
Genre: COMEDY/CHILDREN'S
Cast MALE/FEMALE
Setting: A MINIVAN
Age range: 7-15 years old
Running time: approximately 1 minute long (varies depending on performance)
Description: JUSTIN, a boy, 7-12 years old, is sitting in the driver’s side of his mom’s Toyota Sienna minivan. The keys are in the ignition, the doors are locked. The window is open about 1 inch. Justin’s mom is standing next to the driver’s side of the car, locked out.

JUSTIN

Just because I’m not a teenager yet doesn’t mean I can’t drive a car. You think I won’t do it?  I might not be good at it, but remember how long it took me to tie my shoes? I had those laces in knots no one knew what to do with, for years, but I didn’t stop. I just kept practicing. You say it’s good to be a hard worker.  Well, my strength is also my weakness, I guess.  Look at how that came to bite you, Mom. Because you know all it would take is for me to put this Sienna in reverse. Just back it out of the driveway nice and slow or maybe not nice and slow. Maybe fast and furious or whatever...CLICK BELOW FOR THE COMPLETE MONOLOGUE OF "IPAD FURY."

Ipad Fury, monologue
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LIVVY'S VASE
Adapted from Holding Ginger
Genre: DRAMATIC
Cast: FEMALE (male)
Setting: HOUSE
Age range: 5-14 years old
Description: Jenna is standing in the hallway of her house.  Her older sister, Livvy, is near her, and they’ve both witnessed Jenna’s running through the hall and knocking over Livvy’s (empty) glass vase. There is broken glass on the floor.

JENNA

Uh oh…uh oh…I’m sorry!  I’m so...I’ll clean it up! Right now!  I’ll—I didn’t do it on purpose. You know that, right?  It was an accident! I was just running through—I know I’m not supposed to be running through the hall, but…Ginger was chasing that ball and I was trying to catch him…Come on.  I’m sorry.  Okay?  I just bumped into it by accident…I’m cleaning it up, see?  Even though Mom would probably be mad I’m touching glass like this and you’re not helping even though you’re older than I am.  But look—I’m doing it!  I’m really sorry, Livvy.   You’ve had that vase for…I don’t know…when did that boy give it to you?  You were…were you my age?  Maybe older.  No boy has given me flowers yet.  CLICK FOR ENTIRE LIVVY'S VASE MONOLOGUE.

Click for the entire play, Holding Ginger, from which the "Livvy's Vase" monologue comes.


LOCKING THE STORE
From Poorly Wrapped
Genre: DARK COMEDY/DRAMA
Cast: MALE
Setting: GIFT SHOP
Age range: 13-30 years old
Description: Clark is a young man in his late teens or twenties. He is the sales clerk at a gift shop on a small isolated island. Grace, a beautiful customer, has convinced him to give her a free disposable camera, and to wrap it with a roll of wrapping paper from his store. He is smitten with her, beyond rational thought, and does what she asks. He has been wrapping the camera for her, but has been distracted by her beauty.

CLARK

Grace, you’re so beautiful. Maybe I should…look, it’s almost five. I think maybe I’ll just turn that sign over. Turn it over to say we’re closed. Lock the door, maybe? Would that be alright with you? If I did that? I mean, just so we could make sure our time wasn’t interrupted. You’re so beautiful that I just couldn’t, I just really wouldn’t want it to be interrupted. You know? I mean, if someone walked through that door right now, I just, I just don’t know what I’d do. What I’d be able to do. I just…
     (moves to door)
I’m going to lock it. To say we’re closed. No one will come here anyway. No one should. No one on this island stays out past 4:00. I’m mean, we’re out. But that’s us. We’re different than all of them, aren’t we? We’re the two people who are different, and I’m going to keep the rest of them out. CLICK FOR COMPLETE LOCKING THE STORE MONOLOGUE.

Click for the complete play Poorly Wrapped (the one-act play which the "Locking the Store" monologue comes from).


MARCH IN LINE
Genre: DARK COMEDY
Cast: FEMALE/MALE
Setting: BEDROOM
Age range: 13-25 years old
Description: Stephanie is a teenager who does not have many friends in her community or school. She is in her bedroom and speaks to her stuffed animals.

 STEPHANIE

I’m thrilled you all could make it tonight, gentlemen.  I know I ask a lot of you, but I hope you all realize, I notice everything.  Every tiny smile, every command obeyed, every sacrifice given.  You’re my men, aren’t you?  And tonight, you’re going to prove it.
     (pause)
Now, I want you all to pick up your instruments and line up in—You!  Stand up straight, please.  I said, stand up!  Would you like the whole town to see you in a wrinkled band uniform?  Don’t answer, just listen.
     (surveys the troops)

Now, form that single line and reflect on your assignment tonight.  Remember, you’re more than simply clarinet players or baton twirlers.  You have a mission, a purpose—and while you may not be here to witness the difference you make, know that I will.  And that’s really what matters most, now isn’t it?
     (pause)
So all those people who said I didn’t have a voice, who said no one would ever listen to me—those awful people, with their awful taunts in my head—“She called ‘fire’ and no one heard her!”  “Have you noticed how the waiter never stops at her table?”  “She can’t even get a dog to lick her hand!” –Well...CLICK FOR ENTIRE MARCH IN LINE MONOLOGUE.


MARY'S EXPECTATIONS
(from The Other Three Sisters)
Genre: COMEDIC
Cast: FEMALE
Setting: 18TH CENTURY HOME
Age range: 15-25 years old
Description: Mary has finally agreed to marry the large, ugly, boring Mr. Watts. While she does not love him, she would hate for his offer to go to her younger sisters and see one of them married before she.  Additionally, her neighbors have not received an offer of marriage, and she looks forward to holding this over them.  While she dreads a life with Mr. Watts, she looks forward to the riches and society gatherings a marriage affords.  She reminds him of what he owes to her, and becomes increasingly excited and demanding as she imagines her life with him.

MARY

Remember the pinmoney—two hundred a year!  And remember I am to have a new carriage hung as high as the Duttons', and blue spotted with silver.  And I shall expect a new saddle horse, a suit of fine lace, and an infinite number of the most valuable jewels.  Diamonds such as never were seen! And pearls, rubies, emeralds and beads out of number.  You must set up your phaeton which must be cream colored with a wreath of silver flowers round it.  You must buy four of the finest Bays in the kingdom and you must drive me in it every day.  This is not all.  You must entirely new furnish your house after my taste.  You must hire two more footmen to attend me, two women to wait on me, must always do just as I please and make a very good husband.  CLICK FOR ENTIRE MARY'S EXPECTATIONS MONOLOGUE.

Click for the entire play, The Other Three Sisters, the one-act play from which the "Mary's Expectations" monologues comes.


MR. SWIMMIE
Genre: COMEDY/CHILDREN'S
Cast: FEMALE/MALE
Setting: A HOME
Age range: 5-10 years old
Description: Chloe tries to convince her mom she has matured since she let her pet fish die, and now she is ready to take care of a puppy.

CHLOE

I know Mr. Swimmie died, but this is different.  Mr. Swimmie was weird as soon as we got him.  Half the time he swam backwards, remember?  And sometimes he’d bump into the tank, like maybe he couldn’t see right or something.  I did try to feed him—most of the time.  You know, right before dinner, if I was smelling your macaroni and cheese cooking or maybe you were making that dessert with cherry and chocolate I love?  Or even if it was that gross pot roast that stinks up the house.  I had to think of food because I was smelling it.  So I’d feed him.  Like, every day.  Honest.  Or most days anyway. 
(pause)
So I know I forgot a few days.  I’m not perfect like Emily, ok? CLICK FOR COMPLETE MR. SWIMMIE MONOLOGUE


PLASTIC AND FUEL
Genre: COMEDIC
Cast: MALE
Setting: OUTSIDE BY A CAR CRASH
Age range: 25-70
Description:
After surviving a car crash with a prostitute, DEVON, tries to calm down his angry wife, Amy.

______________________

DEVON

Ok, Amy, yeah, it looks bad. I know that. It looks bad, but it’s, it’s, it’s—just listen, listen. It’s not really that bad. I mean, it looks like it…but it’s…just a car. Really. When you think about it. Right? Just a car? A bunch of metal and, let’s face it, mostly plastic. I’m driving around in this slab of plastic, so you can’t, I mean, you can’t expect it to go on forever.  You know how many of Jack’s toys I have to glue back together? Plastic is crap.  Maybe if it were made of steel and, I don’t know, had some sort of fuel that was safer, but really, it’s basically a lit cigarette I’m driving around, just waiting to, I don’t know, be dropped and catch on fire. I’m driving in plastic that always breaks and a walking fire hazard. You can’t blame me. I mean, you really can’t blame me if something happens. You should be more surprised when it doesn’t happen, right?  And look. I’m alive. You forgot that when you saw me—let me just go on. You forgot that, because you were distracted by—I don’t know—those other details. CLICK FOR COMPLETE PLASTIC AND FUEL MONOLOGUE.


SANTA'S LOUSY JOB
From the one-act comedy, Christmas Superpowers and Believing in Blitzen
Genre: COMEDY/CHILDREN'S
Cast: FEMALE
Setting: A STORE
Age range: 5-10 years old
Description: LAUREN is in a store. It is around Christmas time.  She sits on Santa’s lap and speaks to him.

____________________

LAUREN

You did a really bad job last year. I know I’m just a kid, and I know they say what you do is hard, but I mean, I could have done a way better job. And I’m not even 10.  Like, here’s a tip. Girls like to build things too. Okay?  If you knew me at all, you’d know that. You give my brother, like, 4 Lego packages and you give me, what? A stuffed dog, a stuffed rabbit with a baby rabbit, a stuffed kangaroo with a baby kangaroo and a…what was the other one?  A stuffed alligator. With an egg. I mean, do you think I’m like those babies who throw everything at people’s heads so you have to only give me soft things so if I throw them I’m not gonna hurt anyone? Do you know how bored those poor babies are who only have stuffed animals? CLICK FOR THE COMPLETE SANTA'S LOUSY JOB MONOLOGUE.


SECRET SANTA
A 5-minute monologue play
Genre: COMEDY/DRAMA
Cast: MALE (FEMALE)
Setting: AN OFFER:

Age range: 20-70
Description: DAN is at work, and has just participated in the office “Secret Santa” exchange where participants were instructed to make a gift for their Secret Santa. He is speaking to Penny, the coworker he has been assigned to give a gift to. He has just given her his gift and she is not impressed.

_____________________

DAN

What did you expect? Me to knit a scarf? You think I’m gonna bake, what, cookies shaped like Santa and put a bow on it?

(shakes head)

You can’t have the same expectation on me as you do Chrissy—we all see her at lunch, reading those magazines with, I don’t know what they have on them—little crafts—and—food…things? And Gerald has his own woodworking shop in his garage. I’ve seen it. You probably haven’t, but he’s got everything. He built his kids a huge wooden fire truck.  They can stand inside of it and it has a real hose installed.. They keep it in their driveway all summer. So his handcrafted Frank-shaped nutcracker is nothing for him.

(pause)

So. Look. It’s—you’re taking this too personally. I know the rules of Secret Santa this year were that we had to make our own gift. But…Penny. You know what I’ve been going through, right? Sarah left me right on Halloween. We’re going through the kids’ candy when they’re in bed, you know, making sure they’re fine, eating a few peanut butter cups. And she gets all excited and says she’s found one with the wrapper open. I tell her Joey was starting to open a pack of Skittles after he brushed his teeth, so I had him save it for the next day. And it’s a pack of Skittles she’s got in her hands too, so it’ gotta be the same one. I tell her all this but she doesn’t believe me and she gets hysterical that someone in the neighborhood is trying to poison the kids. I say I doubt that, but she keeps going on about it, so I shrug it off and let her get it out of her system. We’ll throw them out if it makes her happy, who cares. Joey has enough candy...
CLICK FOR THE COMPLETE 5-minute comedic/dramatic monologue play, Secret Santa.


SHEPHERD SUPERHEROES
from the one-act comedy, Christmas Superpowers and Believing in Blitzen
Genre: COMEDY/CHILDREN'S
Cast: MALE (female)
Setting: A church
Age range: 5-14 years old
Description:
SAM, a boy, 5-12 years old, is playing the part of a shepherd in a Christmas Pageant. It is the night of the performance and he, along with other shepherds, have been playing outside in the mud in their costumes.  They have returned to the church, moments before the performance is about to start and the pageant director is not happy. Sam speaks to the Pageant director, Mrs. Wendell.

 _____________________

  SAM

What you’re forgetting—I mean—think about it—what you’re forgetting is that, is that, is that, shepherds weren’t neat. They didn’t, like, have a washing machine or something.  They were out in the dirt with the sheep and stuff and probably had to, I don’t know, like, sleep in a mud puddle sometimes? If it was raining? And you told us to really try to think like our character, like, what would a shepherd be doing if he was just out there with the sheep all day? And like, I think, a shepherd would probably be playing. Because he has all those sheep to jump over and stuff, and maybe all the other shepherds to play with too, so I was thinking they’d probably be playing Superheroes. CLICK FOR ENTIRE monologue, Shepherd Superheroes.
For the complete play, Christmas Superpowers and Believing in Blitzen, from which this monologue comes, click here to purchase on amazon or click here to purchase through "My Store" (for 15% off at "My Store," use discount code: H7USHF86.)


SINGLE CRUTCH
Genre: DARK COMEDY
Gender: MALE (FEMALE)
Setting: OUTSIDE A HOUSE
Age range: 10-20 years old
Description: Ben is a boy of about 14, who is in the marching band at school.  A bully has stolen one of his crutches, and he now speaks to a friend, Mike.

BEN

I’ve been practicing my clarinet all morning and I really thought I was gonna get in this time.  I know marching band is competitive, especially for the hockey team, but I had a good feeling about it all morning.  Fifth time’s a charm, my mom said.
     (pause)
Then that guy who wears all the jewelry stole my crutch.  
     (pause)
My mom said it was okay for me to practice my song outside, since it wasn’t raining and I was only playing marches.  But he ran up to me from across the street.  He was yelling something like, “shut the hell up!” or something.  And he knocked my stand over and grabbed one of my crutches.  I tried to run after him, but I’m not very fast on one crutch.  I didn’t let him get my clarinet though!  I had to toss it under the picnic table, and I’m sure I broke the reed, but at least I saved it.  Anyway, now I have to sort of hop and walk to get anywhere.  I don’t think I can make it to the gym on time with only one crutch.  And since you have that crutch you used in fourth grade when you were Tiny Tim, I was wondering if I could maybe borrow it.  I know you want it to stay in mint condition, but I won’t mess it up.  I’d have to bend over a little, since it’s a kiddie crutch, but my mom said I have a strong back.  I don’t mind.
     (pause)
Hey, you’re the reason my leg is broken anyway.  You’re the one who told me to jump off the truck so-CLICK FOR ENTIRE SINGLE CRUTCH MONOLOGUE


THE BEANSTALK
Edited from the 10-minute play, The Beanstalk. CLICK HERE to read the entire play. NOTE: The monologue does not appear word-for-word from the play (some parts are changed and broken up in the play), but the character, situation and story are the same.
Genre: COMEDY/DRAMA
Cast: MALE (FEMALE)
Setting: A GIANT BEANSTALK
Age range: 12-25 years old
Description: Jack is on a very large beanstalk leading to the clouds.  He speaks to a black crow.

JACK

Don’t poke my eyes out!  I’m not one of those sisters! I’m not—wait! Don’t leave!  I’m sorry—I’m getting a little, I’m a little anxious up here. By myself. But don’t leave.  I don’t know if you can tell, but, I-I-I’m kind of a little bit stuck up here, and…I don’t want to be alone.
     (pause)
See, I didn’t…really…think that I’d make it this far up.  Although, I’ve always been a bit of a climber.  When I was nine months old, my mom found me sitting on top of the brown cow in the barn one morning.  I never considered myself afraid of heights before, but, it’s not really the climbing up that scares me.  It’s the getting down, Black Crow…It seemed so easy getting here—just put one foot on the branch then another and…Oh, I’ve tried going down already.  I put my foot on a branch, but it’s slippery now.  See?  It’s like the sludge at the bottom of the pig trough.  And you do not want be climbing down from the clouds on pig sludge!  I’d fly off and land down there in a broken bone pile. And, then everyone would just say, “Well, that’s Jack. He doesn’t know how to climb down, poor slow boy.”
     (pause)
And I guess they’d be right.  CLICK FOR ENTIRE THE BEANSTALK MONOLOGUE.
*Edited from the 10-minute play, The Beanstalk. CLICK HERE to read the entire play. NOTE: The monologue does not appear word-for-word from the play (some parts are changed and broken up in the play), but the character, situation and story are the same.


THE BEST MARRIAGE ADVICE (excerpt from BLACK AND WHITE AND RED ALL OVER)
Genre: COMEDY/ABSURD
Cast: FEMALE (MALE)
Setting: A BATHROOM
Age range: 30-70
Description: Georgia is speaking to a young man and woman who have just met in this encounter.  The couple is in the bathtub, shower curtain pulled so Georgia cannot see them, but they are presumably making love, as they both have admitted they are young and attractive, and this should be the natural course of events.  Georgia is a make-up artist, and older, believing she has much wisdom to impart.

____________________

GEORGIA

What a lovely time to meet.  Well, I'll offer you just a bit of advice, if I may.  I should think you ought to purchase a dog before you have children, considering that is the patriotic thing to do.  And I'm sure you'll find many advantages to this purchase, as well.  My husband and I bought a dog and named him Granddad after my granddad.  Granddad had a terrible habit of running into the street and he was hit by a car one day and died, right before my eyes.  Then we bought another dog and named him Granddad after our previous dog that died.  Granddad had a nasty compulsion of chasing cars and so one day a car ran Granddad right over and he died, just simply died.  After that we bought another dog and named him Mugger.  But Mugger was just like the rest and got hit by a car and died.  I was, naturally, quite disappointed, this having been our third dog that died and all.  Then as I walked to Mugger's body, a neighbor stopped me and told me I ought to keep my dogs on a leash and perhaps they wouldn't run into the road and die quite so often.  Well, I thought this was an absolutely brilliant idea and... CLICK FOR COMPLETE THE BEST MARRIAGE ADVICE MONOLOGUE.

Click for the entire full-length play, Black and White and Red All Over, from which the monologue "The Best Marriage Advice" comes.



THE BUS STOP
Genre: COMEDIC/DRAMATIC/MATURE ADULT
Cast: MALE (FEMALE)
Setting: A BUS STOP
Age range: 60-90 years old, mature adult monologue
Description: LAWRENCE stands at a bus stop. It is cold. He has just been to the grocery store. He talks to a woman in her 70s or so, who is also waiting at the bus stop.

____________________

LAWRENCE

I’m walking outta the damn food store carrying this bag of clementines—that’s all I got. Not even pushing a damn shopping cart. And some idiot with a Korean car almost runs me over! Some teenage kid driving, no doubt. Spikey hair. Playing games on his damn iphone, no doubt. Some lady behind me yanks on my elbow. She’s got her other hand holding some smart-allack kid’s hand and she says, “You all right?”  and he copies her like some damn parrot and says, “You all right?” I jerk her hand off my damn elbow and tell her and her smart-allack parrot-kid I’m fine. And I walk to the bus stop ‘cause I gotta take a damn bus and I think, this kid almost runs me over and I’m the one who can’t drive anymore?
     (shakes his head)
Not right. 
     (pause)
Not right for a damn second.
     (pause)
And I could tell you about how I served this country and put in my time and how Americans don’t give a damn about the elderly, when we should be respected because we’ve been places and built things and dammit we’re still here.
     (pause)
But it’s mostly…it gets me…because this is it.  CLICK FOR THE COMPLETE THE BUS STOP MONOLOGUE.


THE DOG TOENAIL (excerpt from Free Space)
Genre: DARK COMEDY
Cast: MALE (female)
Setting: A CAN FACTORY
Age range: 14-30 years old
Description: Ricky is a hardworking, kind and straight-forward young man at the local cannery.  When Amelia comes to visit him, she confesses to a mistake her family has made.  Ricky attempts to make her feel better about this.

____________________

RICKY

Mistakes happen though.  To you and your mom, and it happened here at the cannery once—a lady came in a few months ago and said that she found a dog toenail in her can of corn!  And that was not on the label.   She was gonna sue us or something, but then the foreman gave her a free case full of canned corn and also some canned peas, because she said she really liked peas a lot better than corn anyway.  I told her if she just got the canned peas instead of the corn in the first place, she wouldn’ta had this problem and it woulda saved her some time that morning.  CLICK FOR COMPLETE THE DOG TOENAIL MONOLOGUE

Click for the entire hard-copy play, Free Space, from which "The Dog Toenail" monologue comes. Click for an immediate downloadable copy of Free Space.


THE MUD PUDDLE
Genre: COMEDY/CHILDREN'S
Cast: FEMALE (MALE)
Setting: OUTSIDE, NEAR A MUD PUDDLE
Age range: 5-10 years old
Description: Sophie is standing by a mud puddle.  Isabelle has pushed her in the mud puddle two times already and Sophie has resisted the urge to retaliate.  Her clothes are muddied and dirtied and she is sick of being pushed around. She speaks to Isabelle.

SOPHIE

If you push me in that mud puddle one more time, I’m gonna…I’m gonna…my mommy said calling people a Poopy-Head is not a nice thing to do, but you are not doing a nice thing to me, so I just might have to call you that.  And yeah, so I have mud on me now, but it’s not poop, and having poop on your head is a lot grosser!  You think that’s funny?  Okay!  You can laugh.  Maybe you’d like some mud on you then?  What—are you gonna run away now?  Go tell your mom that I was gonna throw mud on you?  CLICK FOR COMPLETE THE MUD PUDDLE MONOLOGUE.


The Other "Other Women"
Genre: COMEDY/DRAMA
Cast FEMALE
Setting: HOTEL ROOM
Age Range: 22-+
*Mature content
Description: MARIAN, a woman in her 20s-50s, is in a very small NYC hotel room.  She speaks to her boyfriend, Patrick. He is a married man, but her status of The Other Woman has been diminished when she finds out he has three other “other women.” After throwing some white wine in his face, she demands the respect she deserves, as the Original Other Woman.

____________________

MARIAN

Are you still complaining about the wine spill? Okay, fine—it wasn’t a spill exactly, but you-you-you just made me so mad!  Here—I’ll lick it off you. You want me to do that? Let me do that.  It’ll be sexy. Come on.  Don’t back away.  Come on.  Okay, FINE! Then stop complaining about it! You sound like your 3-year-old right now!  You know how unattractive that is?

(pause)

I bet you’d let one of your other women lick it off.  Yeah, I’m gonna start this up again!  Because up until tonight, I thought I was your only other woman, and to find out you’ve got, what, three more?  It’s kind of a lot to digest.  Like, I need a probiotic kind of digesting. And…and…while I’m digesting this, I’m, I mean, I know I’m crying now—don’t try to comfort me!  I’m crying because I really, I really thought I was special and like, the only one you’d want to cheat on your wife with, because I was really that amazing. But now—I can stop crying on my own, Patrick! Don’t coddle me—Now it’s like I’m not special. I’m just part of a, a, an addiction or something.  Like I’m crack cocaine or heroin. And that’s not good for someone!  I don’t want to be that bad!  Don’t make me be that bad!

(pause)

I do wanna calm down, I do, but I can’t even walk away from you—there’s no where to go!  Do the other women have to stay in closets like this?  I mean, I know it’s New York, but spring for a bigger room. This is a-a-a-pod, a pod an alien—a cheap alien—would travel to Earth in. I’m not a freakin’ Martian, Patrick.  Do I have green hands?  I need room. I need a room.  A suite preferably.  I won’t—I won’t stay here anymore. I’m not going to.

(pause)

Here’s what you do.  Here’s the solution. 

(pause)

You take--CLICK FOR ENTIRE THE OTHER OTHER WOMAN MONOLOGUE


THE PLUM COLORED SWEATER
Genre: COMEDY/DRAMA
Cast: FEMALE
Setting: A CLOTHING STORE
Age Range: 13-25
years old
Description: Jasmine, a beautiful girl in her late teens or early twenties, speaks to her friend, a successful businessman.  She builds up her case of why he should buy a specific sweater for her.

JASMINE

I want to go shopping.  And not just that typical “girl shopping” where you try on seven pairs of low rise jeans and four tank tops in different shades of blue.  I don’t need to check to make sure the camel belt looks just right around my….  I don’t need to try on anything—because I know exactly what I want.  Right now.
     (pause)
I want a new sweater. 

     (pause)
And I know I already have a bunch of sweaters, and you’re right—they fit fine.  They fit well.  Beautifully.  And I love them.  Really—every one.  Well, except for the pilled up grey one.  I should really just get rid it.  But the others…I wouldn’t stop wearing them.  I just…See, I didn’t even know I wanted a new one.  You know me.  Practical.  I don’t buy what I don’t need.  At least since I lost all that money, I don’t.  And I even saw this sweater, a few weeks ago.  On Lilah.  And I thought to myself, that’s a cool sweater.  I mean, there’s nothing wrong with it.  But Lilah has it.  It’s hers, and…I know you’re not a girl, but…you know how Eva dropped that blueberry cheesecake on my lap at Junior Prom?  Got that caramel sauce all over me?  Well, that wasn’t because she’s clumsy.  It was because I came in a sequin dress too.  And that wasn’t even the same color!  So…I don’t really want to do that to Lilah.  Or have her to anything to me.  We run in the same dance circle, you know?

     (pause)
But this…is…the same sweater.  The same cut, the same beautiful purple-plum color, so rich, but light at the same time.  That same softness, mixed with a little of something else to make it…rougher?  It’s just…it’s a perfect sweater…So I would never have even thought of buying it, but...
I think it wants me.  I know that sounds weird—it’s just a sweater—but...CLICK FOR ENTIRE THE PLUM COLORED SWEATER MONOLOGUE.


THE STANDOFF
Genre: COMEDY
Cast: MALE (FEMALE)
Setting: SIDEWALK BY HOUSE
Age range: 5-10 years old
Description: It’s a warm summer day, and Kevin is standing on a sidewalk outside the house of his peer, Cayden. Cayden holds a small egg-sized water gun and Kevin holds a large automatic water gun.  The boys know each other fairly well and have played with each other in school and at each other’s houses, but they are not necessarily good friends.

KEVIN

You go ahead and shoot.  I know you wanna.  It’s all you been thinking about since you came out.   Holding it like that, pointing it right at me.  You were sitting in your room when you saw me walking by, so you grabbed your gun and ran outside, thinking you were as fast as Flash Lightening, thinking you’d catch me before I got too far ‘cause I know you’re not allowed past that tree with the funny white bark.  Well.  You caught me.  Here I am.  But you’re not as fast as Flash, Cayden.  ‘Cause I saw you in the window, and I just waited.  I could’ve run past that tree. I could run past that tree right now ‘cause I got a babysitter and she lets me go wherever I want.  I know you’d chase me if I did it too, and you’d wanna go past that tree, but you’d have to decide—is it worth it?  Is it worth it, Cayden?  Is it worth losing tv time on a Friday?  Or ipad time?  Or isn’t today the day your mom lets you make your own ice cream sundae?   You wanna lose that? CLICK FOR THE COMPLETE THE STANDOFF MONOLOGUE. Or click for THE STANDOFF MONOLOGUE PLAY.


TINSEL FOR CHRISTMAS
Genre: DARK COMEDY
Cast: MALE
Setting: HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM
Age range: 20-60
Description: After delivering a Christmas tree to his ex-girlfriend, Stan ends up bleeding in the hospital, and no one seems to notice him. He speaks to the receptionist.

____________________

STAN

I think I’m next actually.  I was here—well, I’ll just wait then.  It’s just my arm is kinda bleeding right now and I was here before that woman with the twitch.  But I’ll just wait over here.  Maybe you can’t see me very well.  Maybe I’ll just wave my arms around like this.  Is that better?  Now you can see me real clear, right?
     (pause)
Well…I think I should stop waving my arms around.  It’s just my arm is dripping on things, well, the blood anyway is dripping.  ‘Cause it’s Christmas, y’know, and my girlfriend wanted a real tree.  But I have allergies.  I sniffle a lot.  I think it annoys people.  Well, I can’t help sniffling, y’know.  I wish I would stop.
     (pause)
But I know my girlfriend’s been real disappointed not having a pine tree for the past few Christmases—so I thought this year would be different.  But I never used a chainsaw before.  Lot harder to handle than it looks.  And since my girlfriend decided to take a break from me this summer—I lived with her…in a house.  You don’t mind I’m dripping on the floor?  I’ll take my sock off.  Here.  I’ll wrap it around my arm.  That’s smart thinking, right?  I don’t mean to mess up your nice floors.  They’re so yellow.  That’s nice.  CLICK FOR ENTIRE TINSEL FOR CHRISTMAS MONOLOGUE.


THE STANDOFF
Genre: COMEDY
Cast: MALE (FEMALE)
Setting: SIDEWALK BY HOUSE
Age range: 5-10 years old
Description: It’s a warm summer day, and Kevin is standing on a sidewalk outside the house of his peer, Cayden. Cayden holds a small egg-sized water gun and Kevin holds a large automatic water gun.  The boys know each other fairly well and have played with each other in school and at each other’s houses, but they are not necessarily good friends.

KEVIN

You go ahead and shoot.  I know you wanna.  It’s all you been thinking about since you came out.   Holding it like that, pointing it right at me.  You were sitting in your room when you saw me walking by, so you grabbed your gun and ran outside, thinking you were as fast as Flash Lightening, thinking you’d catch me before I got too far ‘cause I know you’re not allowed past that tree with the funny white bark.  Well.  You caught me.  Here I am.  But you’re not as fast as Flash, Cayden.  ‘Cause I saw you in the window, and I just waited.  I could’ve run past that tree. I could run past that tree right now ‘cause I got a babysitter and she lets me go wherever I want.  I know you’d chase me if I did it too, and you’d wanna go past that tree, but you’d have to decide—is it worth it?  Is it worth it, Cayden?  Is it worth losing tv time on a Friday?  Or ipad time?  Or isn’t today the day your mom lets you make your own ice cream sundae?   You wanna lose that? CLICK FOR THE COMPLETE THE STANDOFF MONOLOGUE. Or click for THE STANDOFF MONOLOGUE PLAY.