MAYBE THE NEXT IOS UPDATE...
Genre: COMEDY
Cast FEMALE (MALE)
Setting: A RESTAURANT
Age Range: late teen-40s
Running time: approximately 3 minutes
Description: ESTELLE, a woman in her 20s-40s, has just made it to a restaurant to meet Dan, a man she is dating. She is one hour late to their dinner, and implores him to understand this is not her fault and no reflection of how much she likes him. It’s all just because of, well, her jealous Siri…

____________________

ESTELLE

I know I’m late again, and you’re a, you’re a saint to wait an hour for me, but, listen, really, I didn’t know we were meeting at 6. I thought—remember yesterday, you said 7? And, I know, I know, I know, you’re not gonna believe me, but, I never got the update you sent to my calendar.  I thought we were still meeting at 7.  And—listen to me, I know this has happened before, and you think, you think I’m some sort of flake or, maybe I get off by making you wait, but I don’t. I don’t!  I…

(pause)

Dan…I really like you.

(pause)

I like…how you make fun of my penguin socks, and how I sometimes have to look up words you use in your emails. I like how you take me to vegan restaurants when I know you love steak.  And, how you’ll listen to pop music with me and pretend to dance even though I know you want to listen to old-man jazz music. And…I like how you look at me, and take your glasses off, because your eyes make me feel warm…and safe… like we’re sitting by a fire place with a blanket around us and maybe drinking hot chocolate…and…you make me feel so happy my stomach’s always nervous around you.

(pause)

And…I think, see, I think that’s the problem.

(pause)

I haven’t felt this way before.  Not since I’ve had him. And…he knows it. You’re gonna think I’m a little crazy, but the facts are the facts, Dan.  I get updates and calendar invites and emails and texts—I get them all from my girl friends. From my mom, and my cousin.  I’ve never had a single issue with theirs.  But yours…this happens too often. I don’t get your updates or your messages. I didn’t want to tell you before, but the transcription of your voicemail yesterday said you thought I was boring and as ugly as a millipede, but when I listened to the actual message, you were really just saying you loved ice skating with me last week and that I looked pretty in my pink scarf! Siri clearly changed the whole message!  Maybe it’s my fault for downloading the Australian accent for Siri or maybe I shouldn’t have changed his voice to a man’s, but, the thing is, I did, and this is who he is now. And...END OF EXCERPT. Click for the complete monologue, Maybe the Next iOs Update