A Dad’s Defense
A comedic monologue
By Tara Meddaugh (c) 2018

Cast: Male, 20s-50s
Running time: Approximately 1 ½ - 2 minutes
Genre: Comedic, Halloween
Description: Doug is standing by the kitchen pantry, in the middle of the night, Skittles’ wrapper in hand. He’s just been caught by his son, Sal, eating Sal’s Halloween candy. Doug at first makes no apology. He’s never pretended to be perfect after all. But as he sees how upset his son is, Doug apologizes and works out a deal to satisfy both parties.

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DOUG

I’m just—um…wait a minute. Uh… I’m not stalling. I’m just—you caught me off guard.  It’s late. It’s, what, midnight? Mom’s in bed. You should be in bed too. You have school tomorrow. I thought you were—I mean, you were in bed. So. You startled me. That’s why I’m a little jumpy. It’s not because I was doing anything wrong. It’s just, you startled me.

(pause)

Okay.

(pause)

Okay, Sal. I know you saw me eat your Skittles. Let’s just put that on the table. I’m not gonna lie. I ate them. Okay? I think I ate a few Kit Kats too. And Junior Mints. You don’t like peppermint anyway. Sal, you don’t need to cry about this. You shouldn’t be that surprised—I’ve never pretended to be perfect, unlike Mom, and I’m sorry to break it to you, but Mom goes over the speed limit too.

(pause)

Look, I’m sorry. I should have asked you. Even though I did get out of work early to trick-or-treat with you, and walked a couple miles, so I kind of did as much work getting that candy as you did.  But—I’m still sorry. How about…uh…what’s it worth? A couple dollars? I’ll give you a couple dollars, Sal? No? That’s not what you want?

(pause)

Okay. I get it. I know what you want. END OF EXCERPT
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