Tara's comedic monologues range in actor age from 4 years old to mature adult.   Actors may usually use these monologues for auditions, showcases, competitions etc (most of the monologues free of charge), but must seek permission first by contacting Tara.

An Angel of Forced Love, monologue Genre: COMEDY, Cast: MALE, Setting: RESTAURANT
A Dad’s Defense, monologue Genre: COMEDY/HALLOWEEN, Cast: MALE, Setting: KITCHEN
A Nice Night Together, monologue Genre: DRAMA/COMEDY Cast: MALE, Setting: Hotel
A Donut Daydream, monologue Genre: COMEDY, Cast FEMALE, Setting: LIBRARY
A Klingon in Love monologue Genre: COMEDY, Cast MALE, Setting: STAR TREK CONVENTION
A Life Spurred into Meaningful Adventure, monologue Genre: DRAMA/COMEDY/TEEN, Cast FEMALE, Setting: FOREST
A Really Good Reason, monologue Genre; COMEDY/TEEN/DRAMA, Cast FEMALE (male), Setting: COFFEE SHOP
A Waste of a Totally Good Jelly Bean, monologue. Genre: COMEDY/CHILDREN'S/TEEN, Cast: MALE/FEMALE, Setting: A KITCHEN
Baby Ants in a Pie monologue Genre: COMEDY, Cast FEMALE (Male), Setting: KITCHEN/DINING ROOM
Begging Blitzen, monologue. Genre: COMEDY/CHILDREN'S/TEEN, Cast: FEMALE/MALE, Setting: A HOUSE
Christmas Superpowers, monologue. Genre: COMEDY/CHILDREN'S/TEEN, Cast: MALE/FEMALE, Setting: A MALL
Dinner at Canale's, monologue Genre: DARK COMEDY/DRAMA, Cast: FEMALE, Setting: DINING ROOM
Disappointing Hell, monologue or Disappointing Hell, the play Genre: DARK COMEDY, Cast: MALE/FEMALE Setting: HELL
Ferret Envy, monologue or Ferret Envy, the play Genre: DARK COMEDY, Cast FEMALE (male), Setting: APARTMENT
Forgiveness and Defeat at a Pokemon Gym Genre: COMEDY/TEEN/CHILDREN, cast MALE (female), Setting: A PARKING LOT
Iowa Is Gonna Be So Jealous, monologue Genre: COMEDIC/TEEN/CHILDREN, Cast: MALE/FEMALE, Setting: SAFARI JEEP
Ipad Fury, monologue Genre: COMEDY/CHILDREN'S/TEEN, Cast MALE/FEMALE, Setting: A MINIVAN
Locking the Store, monologue Genre: DARK COMEDY/DRAMA, Cast: MALE, Setting: GIFT SHOP
Maybe the Next iOS Update... Genre: COMEDY/DRAMA/TEEN, Cast: FEMALE, Setting: A RESTAURANT
March in Line, monologue Genre: DARK COMEDY, Cast: FEMALE/MALE, Setting: BEDROOM
Mary's Expectations, monologue Genre: COMEDIC, Cast: FEMALE, Setting: 18TH CENTURY HOME
Maybe the Next iOS Update... Genre: COMEDY/DRAMA/TEEN, Cast: FEMALE, Setting: A RESTAURANT
Mr. Swimmie, monologue Genre: COMEDY/CHILDREN'S Cast: FEMALE/MALE Setting: A HOME
My Missing Skittles, monologue Genre: COMEDY/CHILDREN/TEEN Cast: MALE/FEMALE Setting: KITCHEN
Not Just Derivatives and Functions or Whatever, monologue Genre: COMEDY/TEEN, Cast: FEMALE, Setting: SCHOOL CAFETERIA
Plastic and Fuel, monologue Genre: COMEDY Cast: MALE Setting: OUTSIDE BY A CAR CRASH
Remove the Rock, Please, monologue Genre: DARK COMEDY/THRILLER Cast: FEMALE (Male), Setting: OUTSIDE
Santa's Lousy Job, monologue Genre: COMEDY/CHILDREN'S, Cast: FEMALE, Setting: STORE
Secret Santa, monologue Genre: COMEDY (DRAMA), Cast: MALE, Setting: AN OFFICE
Shepherd Superheroes monologue Genre: COMEDY/CHILDREN'S, Cast: MALE/FEMALE, Setting: A CHURCH
She's So Ugly, monologue Genre: COMEDIC/DARK COMEDY/TEEN, Cast: FEMALE, Setting: BEDROOM
Single Crutch, monologue Genre: COMEDIC, Cast, MALE, Setting: OUTSIDE A HOUSE
Skunk Moms, a trio of monologues Genre: COMEDY/CHILDREN'S Cast: FEMALE (MALE) Setting: A HOME
Teddy Shouldn't Go to Space monologue, by guest playwright, 8-year-old Dylan B. Genre: COMEDY/CHILDREN/TEEN, Cast: MALE/FEMALE, Setting: Front Porch
The Beanstalk, monologue Genre: COMEDIC/DRAMATIC, Cast: MALE, Setting: A GIANT BEANSTALK
The Best Marriage Advice, monologue Genre: COMEDY/ABSURD Cast: FEMALE (MALE) Setting: A BATHROOM
The Bus Stop, monologue Genre: DRAMA/COMEDY Cast: MALE (FEMALE), MATURE ADULT Setting: BUS STOP
The Dog Toenail, monologue Genre: DARK COMEDY, Cast: MALE (female), Setting: A CAN FACTORY
The Mud Puddle, monologue Genre: COMEDY/CHILDREN'S Cast: FEMALE (MALE) Setting: OUTSIDE, NEAR A MUD PUDDLE
The Other "Other Women," monologue Genre: COMEDY/DRAMA, Cast: FEMALE, Setting: HOTEL ROOM
The Plum-Colored Sweater, monologue Genre: COMEDIC/DRAMATIC, Cast: FEMALE, Setting: A CLOTHING STORE
The Standoff, monologue or The Standoff, the play Genre: COMEDY Cast: MALE (FEMALE) Setting: SIDEWALK BY HOUSE
Tinsel for Christmas, monologue Genre: DARK COMEDY Cast: MALE Setting: HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM
Tiramisu Vaping, monologue Genre: DARK COMEDY/TEEN, Cast: FEMALE (Male), Setting: HOME


ANGEL OF FORCED LOVE
Genre: COMEDY
Cast: MALE
Setting: A RESTAURANT
Age Range: 20s-60s
Length: Approximately 2 minutes
Description: BRIAN is a man in his 20s-60s, speaking to, Abby, a woman he’s been casually dating. Abby has felt the relationship is not advancing toward love, but when she tries to break it off, Brian makes a case for his learning to love her.
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BRIAN

Do you—do you want me to fall in love with you?  Is that what you want? Because—I didn’t know that, and I could—I mean, I could work on that. I know you think—I know, I know—you think you’d be forcing me. Forcing me to love you—and who wants that, right? But that’s not how I see it. It’s…You’d be guiding me. Right? Like…a flashlight. In the woods. Or no—not a flashlight. You could buy a flashlight at Home Depot or CVS.  You’re much more than that—you’re so giving to me, with such a tight body, and you make me feel…strong. No one could ever find you, Abby, in Home Depot. You’re… (pause) You’re an angel. This…beautiful kind of… guide-like angel, showing me how to love you. You just have to—you know, teach me. And you’re a good teacher—I’ve seen the notes those second graders give you…You don’t like when I ignore your calls. Okay, you told me and now I know. I won’t do that anymore. You, yesterday, when that hot girl—I mean, that woman—when that woman took the cab we were waiting for and I commented on her lovely short skirt—you told me, you just said, and I appreciate it, you said, “I don’t like it when you point out hot girls to me.” Fine. I don’t have to say those observations out loud. I’m learning already, right? You—End of Excerpt
Click below for the complete monologue,
Angel of Forced Love.

Angel of Forced Love
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A DAD’S DEFENSE
Cast: Male
Age range: 20s-50s
Setting: A Kitchen
Running time: Approximately 1 ½ - 2 minutes
Genre: Comedic, Halloween, Dad
Description: Doug is standing by the kitchen pantry, in the middle of the night, Skittles’ wrapper in hand. He’s just been caught by his son, Sal, eating Sal’s Halloween candy. Doug at first makes no apology. He’s never pretended to be perfect after all. But as he sees how upset his son is, Doug apologizes and works out a deal to satisfy both parties.

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DOUG

I’m just—um…wait a minute. Uh… I’m not stalling. I’m just—you caught me off guard.  It’s late. It’s, what, midnight? Mom’s in bed. You should be in bed too. You have school tomorrow. I thought you were—I mean, you were in bed. So. You startled me. That’s why I’m a little jumpy. It’s not because I was doing anything wrong. It’s just, you startled me. (pause) Okay (pause) Okay, Sal. I know you saw me eat your Skittles. Let’s just put that on the table. I’m not gonna lie. I ate them. Okay? I think I ate a few Kit Kats too. And Junior Mints. You don’t like peppermint anyway. Sal, you don’t need to cry about this. You shouldn’t be that surprised—I’ve never pretended to be perfect, unlike Mom, and I’m sorry to break it to you, but Mom goes over the speed limit too. (pause) Look, I’m sorry. I should have asked you. Even though I did get out of work early to trick-or-treat with you, and walked a couple miles, so I kind of did as much work getting that candy as you did.  But—I’m still sorry. How about…uh…what’s it worth? A couple dollars? I’ll give you a couple dollars, Sal? No? That’s not what you want. (pause) Okay. I get it. I know what you want—END OF EXCERPT
Click for the entire free pdf of the monologue, "A Dad’s Defense.”


A NICE NIGHT TOGETHER
Genre: COMEDY/DRAMA/ROMANTIC
Cast: MALE
Setting: HOTEL
Age range: 20-70
Approximate running time: 2 minutes
Description: SAMUEL, a married man, is standing outside of a hotel bedroom, speaking to his recent fling, Brigit. He explains the difference in her expressing things that will make them have a nice night together and expressing things that will make them have a bad night. He’ll stick around if it’s the former. He’ll leave if it’s the latter.
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SAMUEL

If you can keep those thoughts in your head, if you can, whatever it is you have to do, to make sure those thoughts that you think you’re feeling stay there—inside your head—where they belong, not outside your head—not coming out of your mouth, not going into my ears—then, well, we can have a nice night together. (pause) If you’re not sure what to say out loud and what to keep inside, ask yourself this question: “Is saying what I think going to help us have a nice night? (pause) If it is?  By all means—share.  You want examples?  Okay, so…you could tell me how you brought a bottle of whiskey with you. That’s fine. Whiskey’s gonna help things. Make us have a nice night together. Okay.  You could say how you’ve been thinking about me.  Remembering last night. You could tell me how you’ve been replaying the night over and over. Every touch…every sound…every breath…Yeah, that’s gonna help us have a nice night.  You see?  (pause) What I don’t want to hear, examples of things that should just stay in your head, because, well, they’re not gonna help us have a nice night, um, some examples would be…talking about your husband’s triathlon. Asking me what my wife—END OF EXCERPT
CLICK HERE FOR THE COMPLETE "A NICE NIGHT TOGETHER" MONOLOGUE.


A DONUT DAYDREAM
Genre: COMEDY
Cast FEMALE
Setting: LIBRARY
Age Range: 15-18 years old
Running time: approximately 2.5 minutes long (varies depending on performance)
Description: Lulu is a girl of about 17 years old.  It is about a month before her high school prom.  She is at the library, trying to study with her friend.
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LULU

I’m dreaming of a donut. I’m that hungry. Like, literally, day dreaming about tasting one. Biting into one. I’m not sure which one I’d choose…Maybe the kind with chocolate icing on the outside and that creamy filling.  What are those called? Cream puffs? Not that but…they’re so good.  So rich.  I like that feeling of a little kind of explosion as my teeth hit the pastry.  And the filling just spills out into my mouth.  Or maybe I’d go for a glazed donut.  They’re simple. But we all know they’re the best, right?  The melted sugar.  The glaze.  That slight hint of a yeasty dough. I like to feel the glaze melt on my tongue.  Turn from icing into liquid.  You know you can really taste the sugar, so intense, right on the front of your tongue?  I really should be studying. I know that.  I have my books right here. But when you’re hungry…you know…it’s all you can think about.   I guess this is how those kids in Africa feel.  Those poor kids.  You know it’s my mom that made me skip lunch. She thinks—END OF EXCERPT
CLICK BELOW FOR THE COMPLETE MONOLOGUE OF "A DONUT DAYDREAM"

A Donut Daydream monologue
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A KLINGON IN LOVE
Genre: COMEDY, Star Trek / Trekkie / sci-fi monologue
Cast: MALE (female)
Setting:  A STAR TREK CONVENTION
Age Range: teen to 60s
Description: ARLEN is dressed up as a Klingon, head to toe, at a Star Trek Convention. He speaks to Trish, a woman who is wearing a Star Fleet officer uniform 
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ARLEN

I know it seems crazy that a Klingon would fall for a star fleet commander, but…crazier things have happened on the Enterprise, right?  We’re not talking DS9 or Voyager here. We’re talking Gene Roddenberry, old school, Jim and Picard.  You remember Kirk and the green alien? Data searching for human emotions?  You know what I’m saying.  You get it.  Who cares if our blood’s different colors?  Who cares what the rest of them think.  We’re in love.  I wanna…I wanna tell Mr. Sulu selling $50 pictures over there—tell him about how you switched your phaser from Kill to Stun when you saw me. I wanna interrupt Dr. Crusher’s speech to tell the world how your hair smelled like apples when you leaned down to fix my mask. I wanna kiss you in a pile of tribbles for the whole convention to see!  We’re different—I know, I know.  You’re a communications officer—END OF EXCERPT
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A KLINGON IN LOVE MONOLOGUE


A Life Spurred into Meaningful Adventure
A Monologue excerpted from the 10-minute play, A Life Spurred into Meaningful Adventure
Genre: DRAMA/TEEN/COMEDY/CHILDREN
Cast: FEMALE
Setting: A FOREST
Age range: 10-20

About the play:
Goldilocks and Little Bear have run away from Little Bear’s house in the forest to start a new life together, one full of adventure and hope and away from judgmental eyes. However, they don’t quite know where they are going, how they will find their next meal, and Little Bear has never even made a shelter in the woods. Suddenly, the reality of two young friends on their own in the woods, does not seem as carefree as they once envisioned. To read the 10-minute play, A Life Spurred into Meaningful Adventure, click here.

About the monologue:
Goldilocks, the clear leader of the pair, confesses to Little Bear that, despite her apparent confidence, she actually does not know where they are going. As Little Bear appears to be having second thoughts, Goldilocks does not know if her dear friend deserves to have a life without loving parents, like the one she has been ill-fated to endure. She expresses her gratitude of their friendship, but gives him the freedom to return to his protective and loving family, as the adventure she is embarking on will not be easy.

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GOLDILOCKS

I…I don’t know where we’re going…We know your parents don’t accept me in your house.  And…I don’t have much of a home to offer you. (pause) You can go back, Little Bear. If you want to.  I mean—I’d understand.  You have a family that loves you.  You’re not like me. And…I don’t want you to become like me. Bears—They’re—they’re not meant to sleep in beds. But—look, maybe I’m not meant to be scavenging a forest for berries, and yet—this is where I am.  And…this is my life.  This is my adventure…but it doesn’t have to be yours—END OF EXCERPT

Click below for Goldilocks’s complete monologue of “A Life Spurred into Meaningful Adventure”

For the complete 10-minute play, A Life Spurred into Meaningful Adventure, from which this monologue comes, click below:


A REALLY GOOD REASON
By Tara Meddaugh
Genre: COMEDY/TEEN/DRAMA
Cast: FEMALE
Setting: A coffee shop
Age range: 16-40
Running Time: Approximately 1.5-2 minutes
Description: Kelly, a woman around 20 years old, speaks to her “friend,” Rebecca, in a coffee shop. She explains why she can no longer be friends with her. It’s not because of the things Rebecca does which are unattractive or unintelligent (these things only make Kelly look better in comparison). It’s because Rebecca is starting to look prettier, and boys are noticing. Kelly simply can’t have a friend who rivals for attention. That just wouldn’t make sense.  Kelly lets her down as easily as she knows how.
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KELLY

There’s a really good reason I don’t like you.  And I think, look, Rebecca, just listen, I think if you heard me, if you really understood the reason, I think you’d agree with me.  And it’s not because you’re, y’know, “loose”—that’s a nice word I’m using because you know how considerate I am. I like a loose friend anyway because it makes me look like more of a catch. Same thing with how you forget to brush your teeth after you eat those egg salad sandwiches you always pack, or how you chew gum really loudly—and not in a sexy way, like I do. And how you say stupid things like, “Oh, those poor starving kids in Africa,” when really, there are a lot of rich people in South Africa who give tours of giraffes and stuff, so you really don’t know your geography. But that’s all cool with me, because your being those things just makes me look better.  Which makes you look better too, because you’re friends with me. I’m thoughtful like that. But, the thing is…And…oh, it’s so hard for me say...(pause) But really, it’s not. (pause)  You’re--END OF EXCERPT
Click below for the complete monologue, "A Really Good Reason."


A WASTE OF A TOTALLY GOOD JELLY BEAN
Genre: COMEDY/CHILDREN'S/TEEN
Cast: MALE/FEMALE
Setting: A kitchen
Age range: 5-15 years old
Run time: approximately 1 minute
Description: STEVEN, a boy (ages 5-15) speaks to his dad. Steven has just shared his Easter jelly beans with his dad who has gobbled up a handful of them all at once. Steven implores his dad to eat the jelly beans the “right” way.
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STEVEN

There is a wrong way. There's really a wrong way and you're doing it, Dad! You're doing it so wrong wrong wrong wrong! You're totally wasting them! You know how hard it was for me to get those? I mean, I waited all year...since last Easter. And—I—I—I don't mind sharing with you. Really. I like it when I can give you something that I really like and you like it too. But—this—this is just wrong, Dad. When someone gives you 20 jelly beans, and they're all different flavors like popcorn and chocolate pudding and blueberry, you don't just—you don't just shove them all in your mouth at once! Then you don't taste anything and it's just this giant blob of like, I don't know, sugary melted plastic or something. You gotta—END OF EXCERPT.
Click below for the complete monologue of "A Waste of a Totally Good Jelly Bean."


BABY ANTS IN A PIE
Genre: COMEDY
Cast FEMALE (male)
Setting: KITCHEN
Age Range: 10-60 years old
Running time: approximately 1.5-2 minutes long (varies depending on performance)
Description: ROBIN is in the kitchen with her friend, Gabe.  She offers him some of the apple pie that has been sitting in the window sill for a week now, as she has been savoring it. As she gets it out, she notices something unusual.)
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ROBIN

There are ants in the—oh, gross—oh, gross—there are ants in the pie! Ew ew ew! Squish them--quick!  Wait--is that a queen in it? Is that possible?  It looks like it has wings. That would mean, I guess, that would mean they must have their nest there, or their hill or farm, whatever it’s called…They must have made the pie their home. And…I already ate a piece—and I don’t even know if I regret it yet because it was really amazing apple pie, but that also means…I probably ate some…ants…and maybe some…baby ants…if the queen just hatched them.  Are baby ants like worms? Or just tiny looking ants?  Oh, I really don’t know anything about ants.  But I do know that I do not want to eat them, and I definitely don’t want to eat a baby ant. I mean…look, ants are gross. Really, just all bugs are gross.  Except maybe…butterflies—but otherwise, yuck, right?  But a baby…I mean, a baby can’t help it if it was born in an apple pie. A baby is—END OF EXCERPT. 
Click below for the complete monologue of "Baby Ants in a Pie"-

Baby Ants in a Pie Monologue
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If you'd like to use this monologue, contact Tara for permission.


BEGGING BLITZEN
From the one-act comedy, Christmas Superpowers and Believing in Blitzen
Genre: COMEDY/CHILDREN
Cast: FEMALE (MALE)
Setting: A LIVING ROOM WITH WINDOW
Age range: 5-12
Description: ANNIE, a girl of 5-10 years old, speaks to Blitzen, one of Santa’s reindeer who has been visiting her in the afternoons. She is in her living room speaking to him through the window as he stands outside.
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ANNIE

Hey…you’re magical, right?  Like, you don’t have wings, I know that. But I know you fly. I’ve seen you on Christmas Eve.  Plus, I think I saw you practicing your route on Thanksgiving night—right before we met. And, you talk, which has got to be magical because I keep talking to Bilbo—you know, my golden retriever—and he never talks back. Most of the time, I don’t think he even understands me except when I said “go for a walk.” (pause) I know you have hooves, not fingers and hands, but—END OF EXCERPT
CLICK FOR COMPLETE monologue Begging Blitzen.
For the entire play, Christmas Superpowers and Believing in Blitzen, from which this monologue comes, click below:


CHRISTMAS SUPERPOWERS
from the one-act comedy, Christmas Superpowers and Believing in Blitzen
Genre: COMEDY/CHILDREN'S
Cast: MALE (female)
Setting: A mall
Age range: 5-10 years old
Running time: Approximately 1 minute
Description: DYLAN, a boy of 5-10 years old, sits on Santa’s lap. He’s at a mall.
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DYLAN

I really don’t think it’s too much to ask. I’ve done everything you told me to in your letter last year. I’ve stopped hitting my little brother. I don’t complain—very much—when I have to do homework. I even donated seven toys to Goodwill yesterday ‘cause Mom said I didn’t have enough room for anything more. So I’m ready, Santa. I’m only asking you for one thing this year. And you can try to steer me away from it all you want by telling me about how you made a new truck this year and how I can do hundreds of things with a big set of blocks and how there are some funny books out there you know I’ll like. But it won’t stop me from asking for it. It’s why I’ve been so good this year and why I know you’re going to listen to me.  So I’ll tell you again. (leans it) I want a—END OF EXCERPT
Click below for the complete monologue of "Christmas Superpowers."

For the entire play, Christmas Superpowers and Believing in Blitzen, from which this monologue comes, click below:


DINNER AT CANALE'S
Genre: DARK COMEDY/DRAMA
Setting: DINING ROOM
Age Range: 20s-50s
Running Time: 1 MINUTE

Vicky has found evidence that her husband, Peter, has been cheating on her and she now confronts him. There is a gun on the table between them, and she implores him to lie to her, so that she is not tempted to actually use the gun against him.
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VICKY

Can you please not make me do this?  Just don’t—just don’t tell me what happened.  If you don’t tell me, if I don’t know, then I can’t react.  Right?  Just, let’s keep it simple, okay?    I don’t wanna—I don’t wanna do anything that…you know, that we’ll both regret later?  And… (pause) God, I wish you hadn’t left that gun right there.  It’s just—I can’t stop playing with it now…and you left the safety off, and I…Peter, just tell me you love me and you didn’t cheat on me last night and—END OF EXCERPT
CLICK FOR THE COMPLETE MONOLOGUE, Dinner at Canale's


DISAPPOINTING HELL
Genre: DARK COMEDY
Cast: MALE/FEMALE
Setting: HELL
Age range: 20-60
Description: VAN, a man in his 20s-30s, stands in a line of people in a kind of waiting room of Hell.   He is uncomfortable, almost annoyed to be where he is.  He speaks to the other people in his line.
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VAN

You know, I wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t seen my soul tonight.  I didn’t know it was my soul at first, but when it started talking to me, when it started telling me how I was scared of being hit by invisible cars, how I was only happy listening to Simon and Garfunkle…well, it sounded so much like me.  So I go to it.  I go to it and ask it, if it could tell me one thing, just one thing about itself, about me, what would it tell me.  So it hesitates at first, you know, like it can’t decide what delicious secret to tell me.  Then it sighs, as much as a soul can.  It sighs and sort of hiccups a little.  Like maybe it’s overexcited.  Or drunk or something.  So when it’s done making these sounds, it stares at me with its transparent eyes, and it says, in this tiny voice—the voice a fawn might have, or a baby lamb.  And it says, “If you live through today, you’ll get fired tomorrow.  And when you get another job, you’ll get fired from that.  And when you find someone you love, that person will leave you.  And when you die, no one will care.”  (pause) So what do you say?  What do you say when your own soul tells you you’re a failure?  And it looks pretty happy about that too.  Almost giddy—END OF EXCERPT
CLICK FOR COMPLETE DISAPPOINTING HELL MONOLOGUE.


FERRET ENVY
Genre: DARK COMEDY
Cast FEMALE (male)
Setting: APARTMENT
Age range: 13-30 years old
Description: After murdering her friend’s ferret, Jyoti, wrought with guilt, tries to make some form of amends.
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JYOTI

I know you think I murdered your ferret, but—hey, stop crying.  You’re gonna make me cry too.  And you (starts crying)—know—happens—when—we—both—start—oh!  I’m doing it too now…(gaining composure) Okay.  Okay.  What would Xena do? (pause) Julia, your ferret ran away.  He did.  I know you don’t want to believe me, but I know this, because…well, I saw him.  And I was wearing my glasses, so I had 20/20.  Or 20/30.  I need a new prescription.  But I could still see it was Foozu, and he was wearing the yellow rain slicker, not the winter coat you tie dyed for him, so I think he was headed for Seattle.  (pause) And, I don’t think we should go after him, Julia.  That Payless box wasn’t big enough; you always forgot to feed him, and when you did, it was usually just pebbles and sticks—and I really don’t think ferrets can live on that.  Seattle has a lot more to offer Foozu.  Food, drinks, warm shelter, intellectual stimulation, perpetual contentment.  He deserves that, don’t you think? (pause) I, I know coming in and seeing me with the knife over Foozu’s box makes it look rather strange.  But…Well—END OF EXCERPT
CLICK FOR COMPLETE FREE FERRET ENVY MONOLOGUE.



FORGIVENESS AND DEFEAT AT A POKEMON GYM
Genre: COMEDY/TEEN/CHILDREN'S
Cast: MALE (female)
Setting: In a parking lot of a grocery store. Late at night.
Age range: 12-20 years old
Description: Benjamin, a boy of around 16 years old, is at a Stop and Shop grocery store parking lot, around midnight. He is speaking with his long time friend (and probably crush), Evie, who is quite angry with him.  Unknowingly, he has defeated the pokemon gym belonging to her team, and now he needs to prove he would never battle with her on purpose...but is it too late?
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BENJAMIN

I know you’re mad—I just saw your post of that face with the flames coming out of its head, and I’m just—aw, Evie, I know it looks bad.  I know you won’t believe me, but listen, it’s not, it’s just, it’s not what it looks like. (pause) How was I supposed to know it was you?  You’re a—you’re a girl with really long hair, but your avatar looks kind of like a boy with short hair.   Which is fine, but I mean, right there, that should show you I’m innocent.  And—I never would have thought you’d choose yellow.  Your favorite color is blue—it’s always been blue…like your eyes…And look at your bike, Evie—it’s blue too.  It still has those butterfly decals you put on when you were nine.  I put on the lightning bolts (pause) I know there isn’t much I can do now—END OF EXCERPT.
Click below for the complete monologue of "Forgiveness and Defeat at a Pokemon Gym."


If I Were A Kind of Flower
Genre: COMEDY/CHILDREN/PRETEEN/TWEEN
Cast: FEMALE (male)
Setting: A CAFE
Age range: 5-11
Length: Approximately 2 minutes
Description: Anibel, a girl, around 5-10 years old, speaks to her older sister (who is in her early 20s and attends college). They are at a café. Anibel expresses joy that her newly planted daffodils actually came up for the first year, but also expresses concern that they will die in the Spring snowstorm. Her mother has faith in the daffodil’s strength, but Anibel is not so certain. She imagines how she would respond to the snow, if she were a daffodil.
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 ANIBEL

If I were a flavor of ice cream, I’d definitely choose strawberry, but I would have to have sprinkles and not just the rainbow sprinkles for ice cream, but like, cupcake sprinkles. Shaped like strawberries. And I really wanna eat ice cream outside, but you know there’s still snow at our house, and it feels weird to eat ice cream outside in the snow. Do you know the daffodils I planted last year actually came up? They did! I was like—What are these little yellow hats doing in the grass, and then I was like, They’re not hats, Anibel! They’re your daffodils! It worked! I planted them with Mom and she said they would come up and I didn’t believe her but they did come up! But then now, there’s all this snow covering them, and really it’s already Spring, and it’s not right, but the world gets weirder and weirder (pause) I don’t want my daffodils to die… (pause) Mom gave me this long hug this morning and said it was okay to cry, because I already was—but that daffodils are really strong and excited for Spring, like me, and that’s why they come up so quickly after Winter. And she thinks they’ll survive the snow. (pause) I don’t know if I believe her, but if I were a daffodil, I would—END OF EXCERPT
Click for the complete pdf of the monologue, If I Were A Kind of Flower.


IOWA IS GONNA BE SO JEALOUS
Genre: COMEDIC/TEEN/CHILDREN
Cast: MALE/FEMALE
Setting: SAFARI JEEP
Age range: 7-18
Running time: Approximately 1 - 1.5 minutes
Description:  RYAN is a boy, around 7-18 years old. He is on a South African safari with his parents. He is in the safari jeep. A camping pack has just fallen off the jeep and a rhino charged at it while the jeep was driving. Ryan speaks to his parents.
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RYAN

Did you see it? Did you see him charge? Like—I’ve—he charged, Mom!  Dad—did you see him charge? That’s—you know rhinos can’t really see well? Did you know that? I mean, they charge before they even know what they’re charging at and—that could have been us! You know? It was just the tent pack that fell off the jeep, but—man…It could have been us! (pause) This is the best trip ever!! (quick pause) First, there’s no hot water at the camp during the day so, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but you haven’t made me take a shower since Thursday!  And remember how the camp kitchen wasn’t working yesterday so we got to have Lucky Charms and popcorn at dinner?  Plus, when you guys fell asleep last night, I played on my Kindle for 4 hours and got to level 5 in Geometry Dash Meltdown!  I knew a safari would be cool. I mean—END OF EXCERPT
click for pdf of complete monologue, Iowa Is Gonna Be So Jealous.


IPAD FURY
Genre: COMEDY/CHILDREN'S
Cast MALE/FEMALE
Setting: A MINIVAN
Age range: 7-15 years old
Running time: approximately 1 minute long (varies depending on performance)
Description: JUSTIN, a boy, 7-12 years old, is sitting in the driver’s side of his mom’s Toyota Sienna minivan. The keys are in the ignition, the doors are locked. The window is open about 1 inch. Justin’s mom is standing next to the driver’s side of the car, locked out.
____________________

JUSTIN

Just because I’m not a teenager yet doesn’t mean I can’t drive a car. You think I won’t do it?  I might not be good at it, but remember how long it took me to tie my shoes? I had those laces in knots no one knew what to do with, for years, but I didn’t stop. I just kept practicing. You say it’s good to be a hard worker.  Well, my strength is also my weakness, I guess.  Look at how that came to bite you, Mom. Because you know all it would take is for me to put this Sienna in reverse. Just back it out of the driveway nice and slow or maybe not nice and slow. Maybe fast and furious or whatever—END OF EXCERPT
CLICK BELOW FOR THE COMPLETE MONOLOGUE OF "IPAD FURY."

Ipad Fury, monologue
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LIVVY'S VASE
Adapted from Holding Ginger
Genre: DRAMATIC
Cast: FEMALE (male)
Setting: HOUSE
Age range: 5-14 years old
Description: Jenna is standing in the hallway of her house.  Her older sister, Livvy, is near her, and they’ve both witnessed Jenna’s running through the hall and knocking over Livvy’s (empty) glass vase. There is broken glass on the floor.
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JENNA

Uh oh…uh oh…I’m sorry!  I’m so...I’ll clean it up! Right now!  I’ll—I didn’t do it on purpose. You know that, right?  It was an accident! I was just running through—I know I’m not supposed to be running through the hall, but…Ginger was chasing that ball and I was trying to catch him…Come on.  I’m sorry.  Okay?  I just bumped into it by accident…I’m cleaning it up, see?  Even though Mom would probably be mad I’m touching glass like this and you’re not helping even though you’re older than I am.  But look—I’m doing it!  I’m really sorry, Livvy.   You’ve had that vase for…I don’t know…when did that boy give it to you?  You were…were you my age?  Maybe older.  No boy has given me flowers yet—END OF EXCERPT
CLICK FOR ENTIRE LIVVY'S VASE MONOLOGUE.
Click below for the entire play, Holding Ginger, from which this monologue comes.

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LOCKING THE STORE
From Poorly Wrapped
Genre: DARK COMEDY/DRAMA
Cast: MALE
Setting: GIFT SHOP
Age range: 13-30 years old
Description: Clark is a young man in his late teens or twenties. He is the sales clerk at a gift shop on a small isolated island. Grace, a beautiful customer, has convinced him to give her a free disposable camera, and to wrap it with a roll of wrapping paper from his store. He is smitten with her, beyond rational thought, and does what she asks. He has been wrapping the camera for her, but has been distracted by her beauty.
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CLARK

Grace, you’re so beautiful. Maybe I should…look, it’s almost five. I think maybe I’ll just turn that sign over. Turn it over to say we’re closed. Lock the door, maybe? Would that be alright with you? If I did that? I mean, just so we could make sure our time wasn’t interrupted. You’re so beautiful that I just couldn’t, I just really wouldn’t want it to be interrupted. You know? I mean, if someone walked through that door right now, I just, I just don’t know what I’d do. What I’d be able to do. I just… (moves to door) I’m going to lock it. To say we’re closed. No one will come here anyway. No one should. No one on this island stays out past 4:00. I’m mean, we’re out. But that’s us. We’re different than all of them, aren’t we? We’re the two people who are different, and I’m going to keep the rest of them out—END OF EXCERPT
CLICK FOR COMPLETE LOCKING THE STORE MONOLOGUE.
Click below for the complete play, Poorly Wrapped (the one-act play which the "Locking the Store" monologue comes from).


MARCH IN LINE
Genre: DARK COMEDY
Cast: FEMALE/MALE
Setting: BEDROOM
Age range: 13-25 years old
Description: Stephanie is a teenager who does not have many friends in her community or school. She is in her bedroom and speaks to her stuffed animals.
____________________

 STEPHANIE

I’m thrilled you all could make it tonight, gentlemen.  I know I ask a lot of you, but I hope you all realize, I notice everything.  Every tiny smile, every command obeyed, every sacrifice given.  You’re my men, aren’t you?  And tonight, you’re going to prove it. (pause) Now, I want you all to pick up your instruments and line up in—You!  Stand up straight, please.  I said, stand up!  Would you like the whole town to see you in a wrinkled band uniform?  Don’t answer, just listen. (surveys the troops) Now, form that single line and reflect on your assignment tonight.  Remember, you’re more than simply clarinet players or baton twirlers.  You have a mission, a purpose—and while you may not be here to witness the difference you make, know that I will.  And that’s really what matters most, now isn’t it? (pause) So all those people who said I didn’t have a voice, who said no one would ever listen to me—those awful people, with their awful taunts in my head—“She called ‘fire’ and no one heard her!”  “Have you noticed how the waiter never stops at her table?”  “She can’t even get a dog to lick her hand!” –Well—END OF EXCERPT
CLICK FOR ENTIRE MARCH IN LINE MONOLOGUE.


MARY'S EXPECTATIONS
(from The Other Three Sisters)
Genre: COMEDIC
Cast: FEMALE
Setting: 18TH CENTURY HOME
Age range: 15-25 years old
Description: Mary has finally agreed to marry the large, ugly, boring Mr. Watts. While she does not love him, she would hate for his offer to go to her younger sisters and see one of them married before she.  Additionally, her neighbors have not received an offer of marriage, and she looks forward to holding this over them.  While she dreads a life with Mr. Watts, she looks forward to the riches and society gatherings a marriage affords.  She reminds him of what he owes to her, and becomes increasingly excited and demanding as she imagines her life with him.
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MARY

Remember the pinmoney—two hundred a year!  And remember I am to have a new carriage hung as high as the Duttons', and blue spotted with silver.  And I shall expect a new saddle horse, a suit of fine lace, and an infinite number of the most valuable jewels.  Diamonds such as never were seen! And pearls, rubies, emeralds and beads out of number.  You must set up your phaeton which must be cream colored with a wreath of silver flowers round it.  You must buy four of the finest Bays in the kingdom and you must drive me in it every day.  This is not all.  You must entirely new furnish your house after my taste.  You must hire two more footmen to attend me, two women to wait on me, must always do just as I please and make a very good husband—END OF EXCERPT 
CLICK FOR ENTIRE MARY'S EXPECTATIONS MONOLOGUE.

Click for the entire play, The Other Three Sisters, the one-act play from which the "Mary's Expectations" monologues comes.

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MAYBE THE NEXT IOS UPDATE...
Genre: COMEDY
Cast FEMALE (MALE)
Setting: A RESTAURANT
Age Range: late teen-40s
Running time: approximately 3 minutes
Description: ESTELLE, a woman in her 20s-40s, has just made it to a restaurant to meet Dan, a man she is dating. She is one hour late to their dinner, and implores him to understand this is not her fault and no reflection of how much she likes him. It’s all just because of, well, her jealous Siri…
____________________

ESTELLE

I know I’m late again, and you’re a, you’re a saint to wait an hour for me, but, listen, really, I didn’t know we were meeting at 6. I thought—remember yesterday, you said 7? And, I know, I know, I know, you’re not gonna believe me, but, I never got the update you sent to my calendar.  I thought we were still meeting at 7.  And—listen to me, I know this has happened before, and you think, you think I’m some sort of flake or, maybe I get off by making you wait, but I don’t. I don’t!  I (pause) Dan…I really like you. (pause) I like…how you make fun of my penguin socks, and how I sometimes have to look up words you use in your emails. I like how you take me to vegan restaurants when I know you love steak.  And, how you’ll listen to pop music with me and pretend to dance even though I know you want to listen to old-man jazz music. And…I like how you look at me, and take your glasses off, because your eyes make me feel warm…and safe… like we’re sitting by a fire place with a blanket around us and maybe drinking hot chocolate…and…you make me feel so happy my stomach’s always nervous around you. (pause) And…I think, see, I think that’s the problem. (pause) I haven’t felt this way before.  Not since—END OF EXCERPT
Click below for the complete monologue of Maybe the Next iOs Update.


MR. SWIMMIE
Genre: COMEDY/CHILDREN'S
Cast: FEMALE/MALE
Setting: A HOME
Age range: 5-10 years old
Description: Chloe tries to convince her mom she has matured since she let her pet fish die, and now she is ready to take care of a puppy.
____________________

CHLOE

I know Mr. Swimmie died, but this is different.  Mr. Swimmie was weird as soon as we got him.  Half the time he swam backwards, remember?  And sometimes he’d bump into the tank, like maybe he couldn’t see right or something.  I did try to feed him—most of the time.  You know, right before dinner, if I was smelling your macaroni and cheese cooking or maybe you were making that dessert with cherry and chocolate I love?  Or even if it was that gross pot roast that stinks up the house.  I had to think of food because I was smelling it.  So I’d feed him.  Like, every day.  Honest.  Or most days anyway.  (pause) So I know I forgot a few days.  I’m not perfect like Emily, ok?—END OF EXCERPT
CLICK FOR COMPLETE MR. SWIMMIE MONOLOGUE


MY MISSING SKITTLES
Genre: COMEDY/CHILDREN/TEEN
Cast: MALE/FEMALE
Setting: KITCHEN
Running Time: Approximately 1 minute
Description: Sal, a child 5-12 years old, has woken up in the middle of the night to find his father by the kitchen pantry, holding several Skittles’ candy wrappers in his hand. Sal confronts his dad about where his dad may have gotten this candy from, just days after Sal’s Halloween candy was put away into this very closet…

_______________________

SAL

Now you’re the one looking guilty, Dad. I know that face. I made that same face last night when you asked if I was playing with my Ipad after I went to bed. You could hear the fighting sounds. You knew I was. But we’re not talking about me right now. Are we? Cause I’m not the one standing by the closet with Skittles’ wrappers in my hands. Did you buy Skittles tonight, Dad? Cause I didn’t think you bought candy at stores. I thought you just bought milk and Band-Aids at stores, and only when Mom asked you to. Not Skittles. (pause) But I do remember what happened 2 nights ago when…END OF EXCERPT.
CLICK BELOW FOR COMPLETE MONOLOGUE.

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NOT JUST DERIVATIVES AND FUNCTIONS OR WHATEVER
A monologue by Tara Meddaugh
Genre: Teen/Comedy/Young Adult    
Running time: Approximately 2 minutes
Cast: Female, teen, young adult
Setting: School Cafeteria
About the monologue: Angelina is in the school cafeteria and speaks to her friend, Dawson, about his decision to take Helen to the prom. She first points out how Helen is not as kind as she is, but the real issue is Helen’s brain (Angelina doesn’t body-bash, so she won’t mention Helen’s looks). Angelina knows how much Dawson values a brain in a girl he likes (he did, after all, tell her once that “The hottest part of a girl is her brain.”). She is concerned, as any friend would be, that Helen’s brain is just too obsessed with math to be, well, hot.
________________________________

ANGELINA

Are you really going to Prom with Helen?  Don’t even think about the fact that I’m, like, 10 times nicer than her—you know I am—you saw me donating all my old clothes, even from Anthropology, and I could have gotten a lot of money if I’d sold them online. And Helen…she’s mean, Dawson. She wouldn’t even adopt that stray cat we saw in the school parking lot on Tuesday. And you know I was totally ready to do it, except it ran away and you can’t chase cats. (pause) Now, I won’t criticize her looks, because I don’t body bash and am so pro-unity. But can we talk about her brain? It’s okay to judge brains. Because, Dawson, this is the real issue. You could go out with her if you’re into mean girls who, you know, look like her. But remember last year, when we had that really long talk sitting next to each other on the bus going to that art museum? You said, and I totally remember it, because it was so cool you said it, and so much more mature than all the other guys in school. It was like you were…in your 20s... You said, you were like, “The hottest part of a girl is her brain.” (pause) So. You know. Think about her brain, Dawson. She’s always, I mean, she’s obsessed with Math. Everything she—END OF EXCERPT

Click to read the full free pdf of the monologue Not Just Derivatives and Functions or Whatever.
To request permission of use, contact Tara.


PLASTIC AND FUEL
Genre: COMEDIC
Cast: MALE
Setting: OUTSIDE BY A CAR CRASH
Age range: 25-70
Description: After surviving a car crash with a prostitute, DEVON, tries to calm down his angry wife, Amy.
______________________

DEVON

Ok, Amy, yeah, it looks bad. I know that. It looks bad, but it’s, it’s, it’s—just listen, listen. It’s not really that bad. I mean, it looks like it…but it’s…just a car. Really. When you think about it. Right? Just a car? A bunch of metal and, let’s face it, mostly plastic. I’m driving around in this slab of plastic, so you can’t, I mean, you can’t expect it to go on forever.  You know how many of Jack’s toys I have to glue back together? Plastic is crap.  Maybe if it were made of steel and, I don’t know, had some sort of fuel that was safer, but really, it’s basically a lit cigarette I’m driving around, just waiting to, I don’t know, be dropped and catch on fire. I’m driving in plastic that always breaks and a walking fire hazard. You can’t blame me. I mean, you really can’t blame me if something happens. You should be more surprised when it doesn’t happen, right?  And look. I’m alive. You forgot that when you saw me—let me just go on. You forgot that, because you were distracted by—I don’t know—those other details—END OF EXCERPT
CLICK FOR COMPLETE FREE PLASTIC AND FUEL MONOLOGUE.


REMOVE THE ROCK, PLEASE
Genre: Dark Comedy/Thriller
Cast: Female, 20s+
Setting: Outside
Running time: Approximately 2 ½ minutes
Description: Ashley has a large amount of blood on her dress and speaks to her friend, Stella. She is frustrated that the town mayor has ignored her repeated requests to remove a large (and, in her opinion, dangerous) rock from a local street. The blood was not caused by a rock-related injury, but in a way, the blood is related to the mayor’s lack of response to her rock-removal request. The mayor should have just listened to her in the first place and they would not be having this conversation right now, and there wouldn’t be blood on her dress either.

__________________________________

ASHLEY

It’s exactly what you think, Stella. The blood. I’d love to say I was jogging down Fremont and fell on that God-awful rock by the bench that I keep asking the town to remove and that’s why I’m bloodied on my new Banana Republic dress.  You know just as well as I do that the mayor plays his favorites with our requests. You had no problem getting him to make that bar turn down its Thursday night music. Even though I’d prefer to hear it across town. Free date-night in for me and Ricky. We used to order Thai food. Well, you ruined that for me now, didn’t you? (pause) But me—you know. I ask the mayor for one little rock—or, gigantic rock, to be more accurate—I ask for it to be removed, so that the good citizens of our upstanding town should not cut themselves on its jagged edges—and what response do I get back from the mayor? (pause) Crickets. It’s always crickets for Ashley Mahoney, whatever I request. You know they still do trash pickup at 6am on my block. Why do you get to sleep in until 7, a mile away, when I’m listening to the beeping of that garbage truck back up on our dead street before the sun even comes up? I’ve written ten letters but…crickets. Okay, that’s just my sleep. But this rock. This is a real hazard and if it had bloodied me, maybe they’d take me seriously. Well, it’s a moot point anyway, because I didn’t get all this blood on me from the rock. Although, it’s kind of related. (pause) It’s actually entirely related. (pause) If the mayor had listened when I kindly asked him to remove the rock, please, then you wouldn’t be looking at me like that, with your mouth open, and—END OF EXCERPT.
Click for the free monologue, Remove the Rock, Please, by Tara Meddaugh.


SANTA'S LOUSY JOB
From the one-act comedy, Christmas Superpowers and Believing in Blitzen
Genre: COMEDY/CHILDREN'S
Cast: FEMALE
Setting: A STORE
Age range: 5-10 years old
Description: LAUREN is in a store. It is around Christmas time.  She sits on Santa’s lap and speaks to him.
____________________

LAUREN

You did a really bad job last year. I know I’m just a kid, and I know they say what you do is hard, but I mean, I could have done a way better job. And I’m not even 10.  Like, here’s a tip. Girls like to build things too. Okay?  If you knew me at all, you’d know that. You give my brother, like, 4 Lego packages and you give me, what? A stuffed dog, a stuffed rabbit with a baby rabbit, a stuffed kangaroo with a baby kangaroo and a…what was the other one?  A stuffed alligator. With an egg. I mean, do you think I’m like those babies who throw everything at people’s heads so you have to only give me soft things so if I throw them I’m not gonna hurt anyone? Do you know how bored those poor babies are who only have stuffed animals?—END OF EXCERPT
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SECRET SANTA
A 5-minute monologue play
Genre: COMEDY/DRAMA
Cast: MALE (FEMALE)
Setting: AN OFFER:

Age range: 20-50s
Running time: Approximately 5 minutes
Description: Dan has failed the Secret Santa “be creative” exchange and left his coworker, Penny, terribly disappointed. He now much defend his lack of creativity to this poor recipient of his gift. Considering his wife has recently made him move out, and she kept both of their cars (she needs one for work and one for the kids), the CVS gift card next to the EconoLodge was not so bad. Dan still has hope that the Christmas season will open his wife’s heart to take him back. But in the mean time, he can at least give Penny a better gift. She deserves a nice Christmas too.

_____________________

DAN

What did you expect? Me to knit a scarf? You think I’m gonna bake, what, cookies shaped like Santa and put a bow on it? (shakes head) You can’t have the same expectation on me as you do Chrissy—we all see her at lunch, reading those magazines with, I don’t know what they have on them—little crafts—and—food…things? And Gerald has his own woodworking shop in his garage. I’ve seen it. You probably haven’t, but he’s got everything. He built his kids a huge wooden fire truck.  They can stand inside of it and it has a real hose installed.. They keep it in their driveway all summer. So his handcrafted Frank-shaped nutcracker is nothing for him. (pause) So. Look. It’s—you’re taking this too personally. I know the rules of Secret Santa this year were that we had to make our own gift. But…Penny. You know what I’ve been going through, right? Sarah left me right on Halloween. We’re going through the kids’ candy when they’re in bed, you know, making sure they’re fine, eating a few peanut butter cups. And she gets all excited and says she’s found one with the wrapper open. I tell her Joey was starting to open a pack of Skittles after he brushed his teeth, so I had him save it for the next day. And it’s a pack of Skittles she’s got in her hands too, so it’ gotta be the same one. I tell her all this but she doesn’t believe me and she gets hysterical that someone in the neighborhood is trying to poison the kids. I say I doubt that, but she keeps going on about it, so I shrug it off and let her get it out of her system. We’ll throw them out if it makes her happy, who cares. Joey has enough candy...END OF EXCERPT

Click below for the 5-minute comedic/dramatic monologue play, “Secret Santa.”


SHEPHERD SUPERHEROES
from the one-act comedy, Christmas Superpowers and Believing in Blitzen
Genre: COMEDY/CHILDREN'S
Cast: MALE (female)
Setting: A church
Age range: 5-14 years old
Description: SAM, a boy, 5-12 years old, is playing the part of a shepherd in a Christmas Pageant. It is the night of the performance and he, along with other shepherds, have been playing outside in the mud in their costumes.  They have returned to the church, moments before the performance is about to start and the pageant director is not happy. Sam speaks to the Pageant director, Mrs. Wendell.

____________________

  SAM

What you’re forgetting—I mean—think about it—what you’re forgetting is that, is that, is that, shepherds weren’t neat. They didn’t, like, have a washing machine or something.  They were out in the dirt with the sheep and stuff and probably had to, I don’t know, like, sleep in a mud puddle sometimes? If it was raining? And you told us to really try to think like our character, like, what would a shepherd be doing if he was just out there with the sheep all day? And like, I think, a shepherd would probably be playing. Because he has all those sheep to jump over and stuff, and maybe all the other shepherds to play with too, so I was thinking they’d probably be playing Superheroes—END OF EXCERPT
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SHE'S SO UGLY
Genre: COMEDY/DARK COMEDY/TEEN
Cast: FEMALE
Setting: A TEEN BEDROOM
Age range: 12-22
Running time: Approximately 1 minute
Description: Skyler speaks to her friends about Hannah, a girl in their dance class, who is far from pretty. She pities poor Hannah being stuck with so many beautiful girls and illustrates just how ugly Hannah truly is. She has the idea to give her a make-over, but does not think any makeover could bring her even close to the extremely high caliber of the other beautiful girls. She comes to the realization that the only way to make Hannah appear prettier, is to make the pretty girls uglier. She recognizes this will be a challenge, as well, but they will not shy away from a challenge.
_____________________

SKYLER

She’s so ugly, I feel so bad. No, seriously, I do, because I have, like, a really high level of empathy. I took a test online and I’m basically an empath. So think of walking in to school every day like that, and worse, oh my god, worse, our dance class, right? Everyone is so pretty in that class. We can’t help it. Attractive people like to dance and that’s not our fault and that’s not discrimination. It can’t be, because Hannah’s in that class, and well...(pause) She must feel so alone. Her poor face…oh my God, her poor hair and skin and eyes. Look, you guys know I think everyone is beautiful in their own way. You saw what my shirt said yesterday, right? “Being Beautiful Is Everyone’s Destiny.” Everyone’s. Not just mine. And I wouldn’t wear it if I didn’t believe it. You know I hold true to my convictions. It’s why everyone likes me. (pause) But Hannah…I mean, maybe we need to focus on her inner beauty, you know? And it’s like, we could do a make-over, and draw some beauty out, but, I really don’t think that’s enough. The standard in our class is just too high. So. I was thinking. You know how--—END OF EXCERPT
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SINGLE CRUTCH
Genre: DARK COMEDY
Gender: MALE (FEMALE)
Setting: OUTSIDE A HOUSE
Age range: 10-20 years old
Description: Ben is a boy of about 14, who is in the marching band at school.  A bully has stolen one of his crutches, and he now speaks to a friend, Mike.
____________________

BEN

I’ve been practicing my clarinet all morning and I really thought I was gonna get in this time.  I know marching band is competitive, especially for the hockey team, but I had a good feeling about it all morning.  Fifth time’s a charm, my mom said. (pause) Then that guy who wears all the jewelry stole my crutch. (pause) My mom said it was okay for me to practice my song outside, since it wasn’t raining and I was only playing marches.  But he ran up to me from across the street.  He was yelling something like, “shut the hell up!” or something.  And he knocked my stand over and grabbed one of my crutches.  I tried to run after him, but I’m not very fast on one crutch.  I didn’t let him get my clarinet though!  I had to toss it under the picnic table, and I’m sure I broke the reed, but at least I saved it.  Anyway, now I have to sort of hop and walk to get anywhere.  I don’t think I can make it to the gym on time with only one crutch.  And since you have that crutch you used in fourth grade when you were Tiny Tim, I was wondering if I could maybe borrow it.  I know you want it to stay in mint condition, but I won’t mess it up.  I’d have to bend over a little, since it’s a kiddie crutch, but my mom said I have a strong back.  I don’t mind. (pause) Hey, you’re the reason my leg is broken anyway.  You’re the one who told me to jump off the truck so—END OF EXCERPT
CLICK FOR ENTIRE FREE SINGLE CRUTCH MONOLOGUE


SKUNK MOMS
A trio of related monologues for children
Genre: COMEDY/CHILDREN'S
Cast: FEMALE (male)
Setting: A home
Age range: 4-12 years old

JENNY (youngest), ALEXA (middle) and DEIRDRE (oldest) are sisters. They are speaking to their mother, pleading their case of why a baby skunk would make a good pet for their household.  Jenny makes the case of how cute they are. Alexa points out how she usually thinks Jenny is wrong, but in this case, she agrees and they must have a baby skunk.  Deirdre emphasizes how having a baby skunk will unite the three sisters, in getting along with each other, as well as learning responsibility. It is such a clear case to the sisters. They are so completely ready to be skunk moms. But is their mom?

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JENNY

No one gives skunks a chance because they stink, like really badly, but have you seen a baby skunk, Mom?  You would never say that if you had seen a baby skunk because we saw one yesterday, with Daddy, or really, it was a whole family of skunks. Like, a mom and four baby skunks, and we were in the car, and Daddy stopped the car because they were crossing the road and they were cuter than cats because their tails were so fluffy, like the rug you have on the chair that I put my face in sometimes, and there is no cat, I mean, not even one single cat in the whole universe, that has a tail that’s as fluffy at that. And—END OF EXCERPT
click for the complete trio of monologues, Skunk Moms.

ALEXA

You know Jenny is usually wrong, Mom. And I have to tell her all of her mistakes, like even this morning, she was saying that Canada is not a country, and that’s it part of the United States, but I was telling her, no, it’s a country, and they have accents and their own money and we even went to Niagara Falls and had to have passports, but she wouldn’t believe me because now that she’s in Kindergarten, she thinks she knows everything, but you and I, Mom, we know, because we’re older, that she’s wrong so many times. She even told me her teacher is a pokemon trainer. She’s not. Clearly. Pokemon aren’t real. So, like, if I agree with Jenny—END OF EXCERPT
click for the complete trio of monologues, Skunk Moms.

DEIRDRE

You might be a little scared thinking of a skunk living in our house, and spraying its yellow stink-poison all over the couch, but the thing is, it doesn’t have to be like that. You can take the sprayers out, wait, just listen—you can take them out, because Alexa and I asked Siri about and people do this. People really keep skunks as pets and you can just, you can just take the sprayers out and put them, I don’t know, in the trash or use them for Science or something. And then they’re just like, a cat, but so much better, as Jenny was saying, and we can use the doll brush to brush its hair, because we know it will need brushing, and we’re all okay taking turns doing that. And really, we’ll take turns with everything. Feeding it, and walking it, and I had the idea to put little shoes on it. Wouldn’t that be really cute? And I think it’s actually a way to bring all three of us together, like as sisters, and—END OF EXCERPT
click for the complete trio of monologues, Skunk Moms.


TEDDY SHOULDN'T GO TO SPACE
Written by guest playwright, 8-year-old, Dylan B.
Genre: Comedy/Children/Teen
Age range: 5-13
Running Time: Approximately 1 minute
Description: Jackson is an 8 ½ year old boy. He is standing at the doorstep to his house. He speaks to a NASA member. His dog’s name is Teddy.

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JACKSON

You really shouldn’t send my dog to the moon. Remember you said that the rocket was fast, to convince me? Well, in space the faster you go, the farther you go to the future. So I won’t see Teddy for months! Also you’re not even paying me. And I know most kids would be excited about this, so…you don’t need to worry about paying—but still. You could run out of air. Get attacked by cosmic radiation, run out of gas, or freeze! You should go get volunteers. So once you leave, you can keep that in mind. And I see—END OF EXCERPT
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THE BEANSTALK
Edited from the 10-minute play, The Beanstalk. CLICK HERE to read the entire play. NOTE: The monologue does not appear word-for-word from the play (some parts are changed and broken up in the play), but the character, situation and story are the same.
Genre: COMEDY/DRAMA
Cast: MALE (FEMALE)
Setting: A GIANT BEANSTALK
Age range: 12-25 years old
Description: Jack is on a very large beanstalk leading to the clouds.  He speaks to a black crow.
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JACK

Don’t poke my eyes out!  I’m not one of those sisters! I’m not—wait! Don’t leave!  I’m sorry—I’m getting a little, I’m a little anxious up here. By myself. But don’t leave.  I don’t know if you can tell, but, I-I-I’m kind of a little bit stuck up here, and…I don’t want to be alone. (pause) See, I didn’t…really…think that I’d make it this far up.  Although, I’ve always been a bit of a climber.  When I was nine months old, my mom found me sitting on top of the brown cow in the barn one morning.  I never considered myself afraid of heights before, but, it’s not really the climbing up that scares me.  It’s the getting down, Black Crow…It seemed so easy getting here—just put one foot on the branch then another and…Oh, I’ve tried going down already.  I put my foot on a branch, but it’s slippery now.  See?  It’s like the sludge at the bottom of the pig trough.  And you do not want be climbing down from the clouds on pig sludge!  I’d fly off and land down there in a broken bone pile. And, then everyone would just say, “Well, that’s Jack. He doesn’t know how to climb down, poor slow boy.” (pause) And I guess they’d be right.  END OF EXCERPT
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THE BEANSTALK MONOLOGUE.

*Edited from the 10-minute play, The Beanstalk. Click below to read the entire play. NOTE: The monologue does not appear word-for-word from the play (some parts are changed and broken up in the play), but the character, situation and story are the same.

The Beanstalk
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THE BEST MARRIAGE ADVICE (excerpt from BLACK AND WHITE AND RED ALL OVER)
Genre: COMEDY/ABSURD
Cast: FEMALE (MALE)
Setting: A BATHROOM
Age range: 30-70
Description: Georgia is speaking to a young man and woman who have just met in this encounter.  The couple is in the bathtub, shower curtain pulled so Georgia cannot see them, but they are presumably making love, as they both have admitted they are young and attractive, and this should be the natural course of events.  Georgia is a make-up artist, and older, believing she has much wisdom to impart.
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GEORGIA

What a lovely time to meet.  Well, I'll offer you just a bit of advice, if I may.  I should think you ought to purchase a dog before you have children, considering that is the patriotic thing to do.  And I'm sure you'll find many advantages to this purchase, as well.  My husband and I bought a dog and named him Granddad after my granddad.  Granddad had a terrible habit of running into the street and he was hit by a car one day and died, right before my eyes.  Then we bought another dog and named him Granddad after our previous dog that died.  Granddad had a nasty compulsion of chasing cars and so one day a car ran Granddad right over and he died, just simply died.  After that we bought another dog and named him Mugger.  But Mugger was just like the rest and got hit by a car and died.  I was, naturally, quite disappointed, this having been our third dog that died and all.  Then as I walked to Mugger's body, a neighbor stopped me and told me I ought to keep my dogs on a leash and perhaps they wouldn't run into the road and die quite so often.  Well, I thought this was an absolutely brilliant idea and—END OF EXCERPT
CLICK FOR COMPLETE THE BEST MARRIAGE ADVICE MONOLOGUE.
Click below for the entire full-length play, Black and White and Red All Over, from which the monologue "The Best Marriage Advice" comes.


THE BUS STOP
Genre: COMEDIC/DRAMATIC/MATURE ADULT
Cast: MALE (FEMALE)
Setting: A BUS STOP
Age range: 60-90 years old, mature adult monologue
Description: LAWRENCE stands at a bus stop. It is cold. He has just been to the grocery store. He talks to a woman in her 70s or so, who is also waiting at the bus stop.
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LAWRENCE

I’m walking outta the damn food store carrying this bag of clementines—that’s all I got. Not even pushing a damn shopping cart. And some idiot with a Korean car almost runs me over! Some teenage kid driving, no doubt. Spikey hair. Playing games on his damn iphone, no doubt. Some lady behind me yanks on my elbow. She’s got her other hand holding some smart-allack kid’s hand and she says, “You all right?”  and he copies her like some damn parrot and says, “You all right?” I jerk her hand off my damn elbow and tell her and her smart-allack parrot-kid I’m fine. And I walk to the bus stop ‘cause I gotta take a damn bus and I think, this kid almost runs me over and I’m the one who can’t drive anymore? (shakes his head) Not right. (pause) Not right for a damn second. (pause) And I could tell you about how I served this country and put in my time and how Americans don’t give a damn about the elderly, when we should be respected because we’ve been places and built things and dammit we’re still here. (pause) But it’s mostly…it gets me…because this is it—END OF EXCERPT 
CLICK FOR THE COMPLETE THE BUS STOP MONOLOGUE.


THE DOG TOENAIL (excerpt from Free Space)
Genre: DARK COMEDY
Cast: MALE (female)
Setting: A CAN FACTORY
Age range: 14-30 years old
Description: Ricky is a hardworking, kind and straight-forward young man at the local cannery.  When Amelia comes to visit him, she confesses to a mistake her family has made.  Ricky attempts to make her feel better about this.
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RICKY

Mistakes happen though.  To you and your mom, and it happened here at the cannery once—a lady came in a few months ago and said that she found a dog toenail in her can of corn!  And that was not on the label.   She was gonna sue us or something, but then the foreman gave her a free case full of canned corn and also some canned peas, because she said she really liked peas a lot better than corn anyway.  I told her if she just got the canned peas instead of the corn in the first place, she wouldn’ta had this problem and it woulda saved her some time that morning—END OF EXCERPT
CLICK FOR COMPLETE
THE DOG TOENAIL MONOLOGUE
Click for the entire hard-copy play, Free Space, from which "The Dog Toenail" monologue comes. Click for an immediate downloadable copy of Free Space.


THE MUD PUDDLE
Genre: COMEDY/CHILDREN'S
Cast: FEMALE (MALE)
Setting: OUTSIDE, NEAR A MUD PUDDLE
Age range: 5-10 years old
Description: Sophie is standing by a mud puddle.  Isabelle has pushed her in the mud puddle two times already and Sophie has resisted the urge to retaliate.  Her clothes are muddied and dirtied and she is sick of being pushed around. She speaks to Isabelle.
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SOPHIE

If you push me in that mud puddle one more time, I’m gonna…I’m gonna…my mommy said calling people a Poopy-Head is not a nice thing to do, but you are not doing a nice thing to me, so I just might have to call you that.  And yeah, so I have mud on me now, but it’s not poop, and having poop on your head is a lot grosser!  You think that’s funny?  Okay!  You can laugh.  Maybe you’d like some mud on you then?  What—are you gonna run away now?  Go tell your mom that I was gonna throw mud on you?—END OF EXCERPT
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THE MUD PUDDLE MONOLOGUE.


The Other "Other Women"
Genre: COMEDY/DRAMA
Cast FEMALE
Setting: HOTEL ROOM
Age Range: 22-+
Description: MARIAN, a woman in her 20s-50s, is in a very small NYC hotel room.  She speaks to her boyfriend, Patrick. He is a married man, but her status of The Other Woman has been diminished when she finds out he has three other “other women.” After throwing some white wine in his face, she demands the respect she deserves, as the Original Other Woman.
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MARIAN

Are you still complaining about the wine spill? Okay, fine—it wasn’t a spill exactly, but you-you-you just made me so mad!  Here—I’ll lick it off you. You want me to do that? Let me do that.  It’ll be sexy. Come on.  Don’t back away.  Come on.  Okay, FINE! Then stop complaining about it! You sound like your 3-year-old right now!  You know how unattractive that is? (pause) I bet you’d let one of your other women lick it off.  Yeah, I’m gonna start this up again!  Because up until tonight, I thought I was your only other woman, and to find out you’ve got, what, three more?  It’s kind of a lot to digest.  Like, I need a probiotic kind of digesting. And…and…while I’m digesting this, I’m, I mean, I know I’m crying now—don’t try to comfort me!  I’m crying because I really, I really thought I was special and like, the only one you’d want to cheat on your wife with, because I was really that amazing. But now—I can stop crying on my own, Patrick! Don’t coddle me—Now it’s like I’m not special. I’m just part of a, a, an addiction or something.  Like I’m crack cocaine or heroin. And that’s not good for someone!  I don’t want to be that bad!  Don’t make me be that bad! (pause) I do wanna calm down, I do, but I can’t even walk away from you—there’s no where to go!  Do the other women have to stay in closets like this?  I mean, I know it’s New York, but spring for a bigger room. This is a-a-a-pod, a pod an alien—a cheap alien—would travel to Earth in. I’m not a freakin’ Martian, Patrick.  Do I have green hands?  I need room. I need a room.  A suite preferably.  I won’t—I won’t stay here anymore. I’m not going to. (pause) Here’s what you do.  Here’s the solution. (pause)You take—END OF EXCERPT
CLICK FOR ENTIRE THE OTHER OTHER WOMAN MONOLOGUE


THE PLUM COLORED SWEATER
Genre: COMEDY/DRAMA
Cast: FEMALE
Setting: A CLOTHING STORE
Age Range: 13-25 years old
Description: Jasmine, a beautiful girl in her late teens or early twenties, speaks to her friend, a successful businessman.  She builds up her case of why he should buy a specific sweater for her.
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JASMINE

I want to go shopping.  And not just that typical “girl shopping” where you try on seven pairs of low rise jeans and four tank tops in different shades of blue.  I don’t need to check to make sure the camel belt looks just right around my….  I don’t need to try on anything—because I know exactly what I want.  Right now. (pause)I want a new sweater.  (pause) And I know I already have a bunch of sweaters, and you’re right—they fit fine.  They fit well.  Beautifully.  And I love them.  Really—every one.  Well, except for the pilled up grey one.  I should really just get rid it.  But the others…I wouldn’t stop wearing them.  I just…See, I didn’t even know I wanted a new one.  You know me.  Practical.  I don’t buy what I don’t need.  At least since I lost all that money, I don’t.  And I even saw this sweater, a few weeks ago.  On Lilah.  And I thought to myself, that’s a cool sweater.  I mean, there’s nothing wrong with it.  But Lilah has it.  It’s hers, and…I know you’re not a girl, but…you know how Eva dropped that blueberry cheesecake on my lap at Junior Prom?  Got that caramel sauce all over me?  Well, that wasn’t because she’s clumsy.  It was because I came in a sequin dress too.  And that wasn’t even the same color!  So…I don’t really want to do that to Lilah.  Or have her to anything to me.  We run in the same dance circle, you know? (pause) But this…is…the same sweater.  The same cut, the same beautiful purple-plum color, so rich, but light at the same time.  That same softness, mixed with a little of something else to make it…rougher?  It’s just…it’s a perfect sweater…So I would never have even thought of buying it, but...I think it wants me.  I know that sounds weird—it’s just a sweater—but—END OF EXCERPT
CLICK FOR ENTIRE THE PLUM COLORED SWEATER MONOLOGUE.


THE STANDOFF
Genre: COMEDY
Cast: MALE (FEMALE)
Setting: SIDEWALK BY HOUSE
Age range: 5-10 years old
Description: It’s a warm summer day, and Kevin is standing on a sidewalk outside the house of his peer, Cayden. Cayden holds a small egg-sized water gun and Kevin holds a large automatic water gun.  The boys know each other fairly well and have played with each other in school and at each other’s houses, but they are not necessarily good friends.
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KEVIN

You go ahead and shoot.  I know you wanna.  It’s all you been thinking about since you came out.   Holding it like that, pointing it right at me.  You were sitting in your room when you saw me walking by, so you grabbed your gun and ran outside, thinking you were as fast as Flash Lightening, thinking you’d catch me before I got too far ‘cause I know you’re not allowed past that tree with the funny white bark.  Well.  You caught me.  Here I am.  But you’re not as fast as Flash, Cayden.  ‘Cause I saw you in the window, and I just waited.  I could’ve run past that tree. I could run past that tree right now ‘cause I got a babysitter and she lets me go wherever I want.  I know you’d chase me if I did it too, and you’d wanna go past that tree, but you’d have to decide—is it worth it?  Is it worth it, Cayden?  Is it worth losing tv time on a Friday?  Or ipad time?  Or isn’t today the day your mom lets you make your own ice cream sundae?   You wanna lose that—END OF EXCERPT
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THE STANDOFF MONOLOGUE. Or click for THE STANDOFF MONOLOGUE PLAY.


The Statistics Aren’t Real, monologue
Genre: COMEDIC/DRAMATIC/TEEN
Cast: MALE (female)
Setting: A DYING FLOWER
Running Time: Approximately 1.5 minutes
From the ten-minute play Jumping the Wind By Tara Meddaugh © 2006

About the play, Jumping the Wind:
Pollen K-10 and Pollen V-6 are the last two remaining pieces of pollen on a dying flower, and they now must make the treacherous jump from the dying flower to a fresh one. Pollen K-10 has taught flower-jumping courses to the pollen in order to make their jumps successful, yet Pollen V-6 is terrified to jump the next wind, afraid of falling and being lost forever. As the leader of the pollen, Pollen K-10 risks his own safety, remaining to help her make this jump. The winds are fading, the flower will be destroyed by Cat that night, and Pollen V-6 doesn’t look any closer to jumping.

About the monologue:
Pollen K-10 cites various statistics which prove that since he has started his flower jumping course, the rate of pollen falling to their demise during jumps has dramatically decreased. In fact, the rate of success now is astoundingly high and should be encouraging to Pollen V-6, who is terrified to jump from the dying flower to a fresh flower. Pollen K-10 has never revealed where he has received these statistics, and Pollen V-6 begs him to tell her where he has gotten them from. She will make the jump during the next wind, but needs to know this information. She needs to know the truth.

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POLLEN K-10

The statistics aren’t real. I made them up. (brief pause) Please don’t lose faith in me, Pollen V-6! I tried to get the statistics! I really tried! I asked the flies, but they’re too fickle. They forget what I’ve asked them to do almost immediately after they leave, and they don’t remember me when they return. The friendlier bees tried to help, but then, even the most honorable ones told me upfront there was a conflict of interest. The birds don’t care. The Talls don’t understand us. There was nowhere for me to get the statistics. The statistics aren’t real…but… (pause) The statistics are true. Pollens survive the ride so much more than they used to, because they believe they can. They believe they’re prepared, and--END OF EXCERPT
click for the complete free monologue, The Statistics Aren't Real.
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TINSEL FOR CHRISTMAS
Genre: DARK COMEDY
Cast: MALE
Setting: HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM
Age range: 20-60
Description: After delivering a Christmas tree to his ex-girlfriend, Stan ends up bleeding in the hospital, and no one seems to notice him. He speaks to the receptionist.
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STAN

I think I’m next actually.  I was here—well, I’ll just wait then.  It’s just my arm is kinda bleeding right now and I was here before that woman with the twitch.  But I’ll just wait over here.  Maybe you can’t see me very well.  Maybe I’ll just wave my arms around like this.  Is that better?  Now you can see me real clear, right? (pause) Well…I think I should stop waving my arms around.  It’s just my arm is dripping on things, well, the blood anyway is dripping.  ‘Cause it’s Christmas, y’know, and my girlfriend wanted a real tree.  But I have allergies.  I sniffle a lot.  I think it annoys people.  Well, I can’t help sniffling, y’know.  I wish I would stop. (pause) But I know my girlfriend’s been real disappointed not having a pine tree for the past few Christmases—so I thought this year would be different.  But I never used a chainsaw before.  Lot harder to handle than it looks.  And since my girlfriend decided to take a break from me this summer—I lived with her…in a house.  You don’t mind I’m dripping on the floor?  I’ll take my sock off.  Here.  I’ll wrap it around my arm.  That’s smart thinking, right?  I don’t mean to mess up your nice floors.  They’re so yellow.  That’s nice—END OF EXCERPT
CLICK FOR ENTIRE TINSEL FOR CHRISTMAS MONOLOGUE.


Tiramisu Vaping
Genre: Dark Comedy/Teen/Young Adult
Cast: FEMALE (Male)
Age range: 13-20s
Running time: Approximately 1.5-2 minutes
Description: Emma, a girl around 16 years old, speaks to her mother, justifying her habit of vaping. She claims it is a far less selfish habit than her mom’s generation of smoking, and that her generation has made serious steps to think of others, as well as the planet around her. She makes the case that vaping is a lesser evil than what she could be doing, so she pleads with her mom to be proud of her for once.
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EMMA

How can you possibly say that I’m selfish for vaping? I mean, I think, seriously, we’re the first generation who is not being selfish. We’re like, for real, using stainless steel thermoses which is even better than recycling. And you know, my friends and I started that anti-bullying workshop when we were 10—not for us, but for the little kids. Vaping is like—oh, it’s so frustrating talking to you!—vaping is like thinking about others. You know? Like, I’m thinking about you, Mom. And I’m thinking about Lucas and even random people on the street. I’m thinking about the whole world. I mean, the whole world! I’m not polluting, Mom! I’m not giving you or kids at the park cancer. Like, your generation didn’t care about that. Okay, I know, restaurants used to allow smoking and they stopped, but, I mean, this is much bigger than that. This is like, letting us be independent and try cool flavors like Tiramisu—you know I love tiramisu—but without the fat! I mean, I haven’t gained any weight since I started vaping. And it’s like—END OF EXCERPT
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